This is not the news

D is for... Demons Rising

2012-01-25T23:19:00.002Z

Demons Rising (2008), dir. William Lee

This film is about a book, created by monks to raise the dead or make people into demons and it disappeared in Russia, reappeared in Italy and then some professional thieves steal it for a gangster but then the girl dies and the book is taken from them and a demon appears in the form of a man with a goateee in a brown t-shirt. There's also a former CIA agent who has decided to live the rest of his life as a Buddhist monk. Meanwhile, the book is causing havoc because anyone who reads it turns into a demon and this goes on for about two hours after which you may want a demon to come and eat your face off, which happens quite a lot in Demons Rising.

This is not a good film. It clearly has next to no budget and naturally this has a knock-on effect - bad actors, poor sound, cheap sets and unconvincing special effects. All of these things can be forgiven and it's only by watching films like this that makes you realise what good ones do right. Realistic dialogue helps, as does a coherent plot, neither of which Demons Rising has. But perhaps most importantly you need fully-rounded characters, whose motivations you understand, empathise, even sympathise with. Because without this, it's just a bunch of stuff happening. And when you don't care about the characters, there's no point to it all.

It's easy find fault in a film like this but it's also hard to be too critical when you read a heartfelt response from the writer-director William Lee below this review of Demons Rising. Unfortunately it's woeful on every level and that's all I have to say about it.

1/10

Why am I doing this?

C is for... Caché

2012-01-22T11:32:00.002Z

Caché (Hidden), dir. Michael Haneke

I've only got two films I haven't seen beginning with C and you could argue that this isn't actually one of them given that to the English-speaking world this is known as Hidden. But since the original title is Caché I reckon I can get away with it. This is my blog, after all.

Michael Haneke is a director I've hear a lot about but until watching this never seen in action. I say that, I think I may have caught the second half of Funny Games on television at some point but I haven't revisited it yet and from the plot synopsis it also sounds like a nightmare I once had so it's hard to tell. Anyway, he's generally well respected, gets nominated for awards but is about as far from 'box office' as you can get. But I enjoy a spot of arthouse from time to time and with comments such as "the most gripping film of the year" on the DVD box, I was keen to see this.

It stars Daniel Auteuil as Georges, a TV presenter and Juliette Binoche as his wife. They receive unlabelled video cassettes containing footage of them coming and going from their home. As time goes by, the tapes are accompanied by disturbing drawings but as there are no threats attached the Police cannot do anything. With the couple feeling more and more terrorised, Georges identifies who he thinks is sending the tapes - someone he knew as a child. But is it him and if not, what is going on?

It's a puzzling and atmospheric story - unusually, there's no music score whatsoever which only adds to the creepiness of the situation - and there's a lot more to it and the characters than initially meets the eye. But while there lots to admire (the pacing and the performances especially) and it's certainly not predictable, ultimately Caché is somewhat unsatisfying. I'm all for ambiguity and questions left unanswered but by deliberately ignoring certain 'rules' of filmmaking Haneke is clearly pushing the viewer to the limit of what they might think is 'acceptable' in terms of storytelling. Put it this way, I felt a little bit cheated at the end. Maybe I need to watch more experimental film to appreciate it, and maybe if I watch it again I'll like it more but on first viewing it's a bit too unconventional. Interesting though, that's for sure.

6/10

B is for... The Blue Dahlia

2012-01-13T21:00:00.002Z

The Blue Dahlia (1946), dir. George Marshall

It's week two of the watching-films-I-own-but-haven't-got-round-to-seeing-yet-blog and it's time for some film noir. Or as my film studies lecturer used to pronounce it, film ner-wah.

So, we're going back, waaay back, to 1946 and The Blue Dahlia, a George Marshall film starring Alan Ladd - best known for playing the title role in Western classic Shane - and Veronica Lake - best known for the films in which she appeared with Alan Ladd. Until this point I have never knowingly seen either of them which probably goes to show how little '40s and '50s cinema I've seen.

As you'll know because you'll remember my post about film noir a little while back, the genre is defined by bleak storylines, chiarascuro, a femme fatale, rain, blackmail, alcohol and murder. This is no exception and has Ladd as a Johnny Morrison, a war hero returning from duty to find his wife Helen not only drinking and partying to excess but also dating the owner of The Blue Dahlia nightclub, Eddie Harwood. When Morrison discovers that their son didn't die of diptheria as she had told him but in a car crash at which she had been drunk at the wheel, he threatens her with a gun. He then has second thoughts and leaves her (and the gun) for good.

That night, Helen is murdered and although in reality he has an alibi, Morrison is one of the chief suspects. And so he sets about trying to catch his wife's killer before the police catch up with him.

Although a tad dated, this is a splendid, tricksy little mystery thriller with some ace performances. Ladd is basically a pretty boy (albeit an incredibly short one) but also has some decent screen presence about him. veronica Lake is superb and smoking hot to boot. William Bendix plays Morrison's friend suffering from headaches and amnesia, another classic noir trait, and is also entertaining in a gloriously over-the-top role.

Perhaps the best thing about it though is the script. One of only four feature film screenplays he ever wrote, this is penned by the incomparable Raymond Chandler (see my treatise on The Big Sleep for further hyperbole about the master of hardboiled thrillers). His trademark wit drips off every other line of dialogue and while it's not quite up there with The Big Sleep, there are some classic moments.

Eddie Harwood: Am I under suspicion?
Captain Hendrickson: I dunno, how do you feel?

It's not as desperate and hopeless as some films of the genre and the whodunit element makes this fun to watch, even if the ending feels a bit abrupt when it does arrive. Overall though it's a fine effort, if not quite a stone cold classic

7/10

PS The eponymous nightclub is barely involved but there are some blue flowers which play quite a key role. They also pronounce it as dah-lia, which surprised me but may well be the American way. I've always said it day-lia.

A is for... The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2012-01-08T23:38:00.001Z

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007), dir. Andrew Dominik

I've had this DVD for nigh on three years and despite all the good things of heard about it, the 160-minute run time and bleak subject matter put me off somewhat. But the opportunity presented itself and into 19th century mid-west America I dived.

Jesse James was America's first real celebrity, infamous for robbing banks and trains, and for killing anyone who got in his way. He used assumed names and moved around a lot and thus evaded capture from the law. towards the end of his career he took on a young admirer called Robert Ford, who had followed his glamorous life with interest. But as Jesse's gang split up and allegiances began to dissolve, the feelings young Bob had for his hero started to change. As you can tell by the title of the film, this didn't end well for our eponymous anti-hero.

Despite the western look of the film, the period and setting is almost immaterial. In the end this is a character study, partly of Jesse James (superbly portrayed by Brad Pitt in one of his finest performances) but even more of Robert Ford, played by Casey Affleck. Casting for the part was whittled down to him and Shia Leboeuf who was apparently only rejected on account of looking too young. Now, I don't mind Leboeuf but from what I've seen he has nothing like the range that the brilliant Caffles, as I like to call him, has. Caffles is always good but in this he is absolutely masterful as the at first in awe and later resentful Ford. He was just unlucky to come up against Javier Bardem (as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men) in the Best Supporting Actor category at the Oscars that year.

As well as an intense character study, the visual aspect of the film is also unforgettable. With Alberta, Canada doubling for Missouri, English cinematographer Roger Deakins does a marvellous job of capturing the stark beauty and loneliness of the rural mid-west which so befits Jesse James' increasingly troubled state of mind.

As well as Pitt and Caffles, there's a great supporting cast with Sam Rockwell as Ford's older brother, Sam Shepard as James' older brother (although this amounts to little more than a cameo), Jeremy Renner, Mary Louise Parker and even Zooey Deschanel (now appearing in New Girl, watch it, it's very funny) pops up at the end.

Overall, and despite being slow and light on action, this is a fascinating, melancholy story, beautifully shot and very atmospheric.

7/10

What's this all about?

Morning flight

2012-01-08T21:01:00.000Z

I may post a photograph a week if I take one that often.

Here's this week's, taken from Turnham Green underground station at about 8am.

My name's Justin and I'm an addict

2012-01-03T21:58:00.002Z

This isn't my wall but it's getting there

Almost three years ago I wrote on this very blog about my collection of unopened DVDs. For those of you who are either too busy or simply can't be arsed to read it, the gist was that I had a lot of them - 31 unopened of 82 in total. Or 38% if you prefer. After a fair bit of rambling I came to a conclusion of sorts but that was the end of it.

Thirty-five months later, during which time I've

a) reviewed a lot of films and largely been paid in DVDs (and latterly Blu-rays)
b) started trawling charity shops for hard to find classics or little gems
c) got a steady income and a barely concealed addiction to collecting films

... the number of unopened and unwatched DVDs has grown to epic proportions. I haven't counted how many I have in total but I do know there are 88 films that I've never seen. The eagle-eyed amongst you will notice this is more than I had in total less than three years ago. At a conservative estimate it probably account for about a fifth of all of my film filled disclets.

Recently I came to the conclusion that I was addicted to buying films. It had to stop. I actually felt a little bit sick at my own rampant consumerism. Where would it all end? Would I not stop until I owned all of the films available? That would be hard, actually. amazon.co.uk currently lists 452,202 DVDs and 19,018 Bu-rays. If I bought all of them - which would cost a hell of a lot - I'd also need a huge warehouse. Probably like the one amazon keeps them in.

As a new year's resolution I'm not buying any more DVDs (or Blu-rays) until I've watched everything I own. The list contains a range of films and I've assigned to each of them one of the following genres : animated, comedy, documentary, drama, horror, horror/sci-fi, musical, noir, sci-fi and thriller. So why am I telling you this?

Well, I've decided to write a short review of 52 of those films, at a rate of one a week for the whole of 2012. I've got almost enough different starting letters to go from A to Z and back again so I'll double up where I need to. I'll also try to mix up the genres so as not to bore myself (and anyone else brave enough to read this) to death.

By the way, this is a little side project to a year of writing. I'm also finally getting back to work on my unfinished novel, a 120,000 word memoir and a short film I've been pondering for a while. As and when I make progress on them I may share some of it on here. But until then, it's an unwatched film a week.

Watch this space. I'll watch the screen.

'Tis the season to sell perfume

2011-12-21T22:36:00.000Z

According to the traditional festive song, Deck The Halls, 'tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. It's okay, you needn't count them, that is the right number of las. But increasingly 'tis the season to buy perfume. After shave. Eau de toilette. Cologne. Smellies.

Yes, since the start of December (possibly longer, I wasn't keeping track) those sweet-smelling liquids have been advertised on television almost non-stop. I understand it's a staple for unimaginative Christmas present-buying spouses but must they have such ridiculous names? I thought I'd found the very nadir of terrible monikers a few months ago when I discovered that not only was there a perfume called Irresistible (a barefaced lie, if ever there was one) but the sequel, if that's the right word, is called Very Irresistible.

Let's just analyse that for a moment, shall we?

irresistible adj. impossible to resist

Note the word impossible there. Next.

very adv. to a high degree

So very irresistible means impossible to resist to a high degree. That doesn't make any sense does it? If something is impossible to resist that is the highest possible degree already. Idiots.

The other one that really annoys me is Loverdose. I know they're trying to make a clever portmanteau word with 'love' and 'overdose'. Or is it 'lover' and 'overdose'? I don't care. Either way, it's nonsense. But worse than that, think of the poor people who want to buy it. How on earth do you pronounce it? Luvverdose? Low-verdose? Whichever it is, you sound like a dick asking for it.

I'm not going to analyse the ads themselves. They're all uniformly inane and pretentious. Besides, I've never seen anyone do a better job of satirising them than Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.

My film review of 2011

2011-12-17T15:57:00.000Z

Thanks to the awards season, four of my top 10 are from all the way back in January. I made sure I noted this at the time as it's all too easy to fall into the 'recentism' trap and lean towards the films at the back end of the year.

Anyway, after much head scratching here it is (followed by the ones that were great but didn't quite make the grade).

1. The Artist
If you'd told me at the start of 2011 that a silent, black and white film would be my favourite of the year I'd have laughed. But laugh is what I did a lot of during this homage to and excellent example of the silent era. A simple story about an actor coming to terms with the advent of the talkies, this is funny, moving and beautiful.

2. 127 Hours
In 2003, Aron Ralston went canyoneering in Utah but didn't tell anyone where he'd gone. It was a decision he'd come to regret when he got trapped under a boulder and had to cut off his own arm to escape. Danny Boyle's brilliant telling of this incredible true story is far more cinematic and emotional than it has any right to be.

3. Black Swan
It's not often a film gives me goosebumps but Black Swan did - both times I saw it. Darren Aronofsky's story about a dancer played by Natalie Portman is as far as you can imagine from a 'ballet film'. This dark look at obsession and repressed sexuality is a thrilling and atmospheric tale which is over the top in all sorts of wonderful ways.

4. The Guard
Brendan Gleason is the titular 'guard', a local policeman in this comedy crime caper set in Ireland. In his own quiet way he sets about solving a major drug smuggling ring whether Don Cheadle's FBI agent cares for this help or not. John McDonagh's original, touching but mainly hilarious film is the funniest I've seen all year.

5. 13 Assassins
A Japanese samurai film set in the 1840s won't be to everyone's taste but I found Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins to be a wonderful piece of filmmaking. With themes such as loyalty and pride, dignity and death, this is also a terrific action thriller with some of the best fight sequences ever committed to celluloid. Swordsational.

6. Senna
Even if you're not a fan of Formula 1 (and I'm not), this documentary about Brazilian racing driver Ayrton Senna is an engrossing, moving delve into modern history. Using only archive footage, Asaf Kapadia's film tells this powerful story of a truly driven (sorry) man with finesse and skill. Riveting stuff.

7. We Need To Talk About Kevin
A horror film without any of the usual horror traits, this Lynne Ramsay film is a masterclass in building suspense and atmosphere. Tilda Swinton is in award-winning form as the mother of a child she cannot connect with - and in the end this is so horrific partly because this is about parenting as much as anything else. Creepy as hell.

8. The King's Speech
Colin Firth is the stuttering regent, Geoffrey Rush his Australian speech therapist. This multiple Oscar-winning period drama is a great story essentially about friendship. Hell, it's a bromance! It's also very funny indeed and not only because of Firth's potty-mouthed outbursts.

9. Moneyball
What could be less enticing to a Brit than a film about baseball? Why, a film about baseball statistics, of course. But with the help of a cracking script by Steve Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin, this drama about Oakland Athletics' and their rise to prominence is terrific from start to finish. It's also Brad Pitt's best ever performance.

10. Tangled
Based on Rapunzel, this Disney animation is a real treat. It's got a feisty female in the lead role, some memorable songs, great action set pieces and the best comedy horse of the year. Sweet, funny and charming in equal measure.

Also recommended

50/50, Arthur Christmas, Everything Must Go, The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec, Fast and Furious 5: Rio Heist, Julia's Eyes, The Lincoln Lawyer, Source Code, Submarine, X-Men: First Class

Avoid like the plague

1. Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (3D)
I thought this period Chinese fantasy drama might be a bit of fun but it's not even so bad it's good. Not sexy, not funny, just ludicrous and crushingly dull. And worst of all, you don't even get any 3D boobs!

2. Anuvahood
I met and briefly interviewed the director of this at the film's premiere but although he was great the film, er, wasn't for me.

3. Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1
I rather enjoyed the first Twilight, with its romantic sensibility and unusual take on the vampire genre. But this latest instalment is tedious in the extreme and contains some laughably poor dialogue. I also disagree with the notion that certain films are 'only for the fans'. If it's a good film, it doesn't matter if you're a fanboy/girl or have read the books - and this is simply not a good film.

The twelve films of Christmas

2011-12-13T22:36:00.002Z

I should begin by making it absolutely clear that this is not a list of films about or set at Christmas. So if you're looking for festive treats you should look elsewhere. Sorry about that.

This is actually a list of films with a number in the title that mirror the twelve days of Christmas. Sort of. It's inspired in no small part by Jeremy Lion's brilliant 12 Days of Christmas sketch and indeed, a few of the titles are the same. I make no apology for this - I've simply tried to find the twelve best films with numbers in them. Except for the last one. That just sounded a bit similar.

12 Angry Men
Ocean's Eleven
10 Things I Hate About You
9 1/2 Weeks
Fellini's 8 1/2
The Seven Samurai
Six Degrees of Separation
Five Easy Pieces
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Three Amigos
Two Mules for Sister Sara
and A Passage to India

And, er, that's it. If you think you can do better, let me know.

The simple wonder of a leaf

2011-10-12T23:18:00.000+01:00

Silent Running (Blu-ray) *****
Starring Bruce Dern, Cliff Potts, Ron Rifkin, Jesse Vint
Written by Deric Washburn, Michael Cimino and Steven Bochco
Directed by Douglas Trumbull
£12.93 | 89 minutes | U

After the incredible and surprising success of Easy Rider in 1969, Universal gave five new directors the chance to make a film without any interference from the studio. Douglas Trumbull had worked on the visual effects on 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Andromeda Strain but had never directed. His script treatment was worked on by Michael Cimino (who went on to direct the Oscar-winning The Deer Hunter and co-write it with Deric Washburn) and Steven Bochco (who became famous for writing TV classics such as Hill Street Blues and L.A. Law) and then given the green light.

Set in a not-too distant future in which the earth no longer has any vegetation, American astronaut Freeman Lowell (Dern) tends a luscious garden in a dome on the spaceship Valley Forge. He takes his work seriously, so when his superiors announce that the project is no longer economically viable he takes the news badly. And so begins his fight to keep the last remaining earthly flora alive, at any cost.

Despite the futuristic setting and advanced technology, Silent Running isn’t primarily a sci-fi film. Its ahead-of-its-time ecological theme and focus on character and relationships are what makes it such a wonderful movie. An idealist, Lowell comes across as a bit of loon, especially in comparison to his fellow crew members. (Incidentally, one of the crew is played by a very young Ron Rikfin who is perhaps most famous for playing the D.A. in L.A. Confidential.) But actually he’s the sane one, and when he talks about “the simple wonder of a leaf... because there’s not going to be any trees”, it’s no longer just ‘hippy talk’. Nearly 40 years on the message is a soberingly accurate reflection of the future from the past.

For the most part, Lowell is the only human on board. But as even happy loners will do, he anthropomorphizes the three ‘drones’, little walking robots, calling them Huey, Dewey and Louie. Their relationship is astonishingly touching, and it’s this that gives Silent Running its heart, soul and charm. It also helps that Bruce Dern plays his part superbly – in spite of his mania, you’re on his side because you know what he’s doing is essentially right, even if his methods are ultimately unacceptable.

The influences of Silent Running are still evident, most recently in Duncan Jones’ Moon and even more so in Pixar’s WALL-E, while fans of the BBC sitcom Red Dwarf will see the origins of much of the show, with the drones clearly the forebears of the Dwarf’s maintenance droids, the skutters.

If there’s one thing that dates Silent Running it’s the soundtrack. The music is written by Peter Schickele (also known as P.D.Q. Bach) and when it’s simple and instrumental it’s fine. But when the Joan Baez songs are introduced it all starts to feel a bit Woodstock. They’re not bad, they’re just very much of their time and to modern ears they sound out of place, particularly in the science fiction setting. What hasn’t dated are the visual effects. A combination of model work and front projected backdrops gives the film a satisfyingly retro but reassuringly real feel, something that even the best CGI today doesn’t quite provide.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the tremendous remastering job done on the film – the Blu-ray looks absolutely beautiful – and credit also to Eureka! For adding this to their increasingly impressive Masters of Cinema collection.

Staggeringly assured for a feature debut, Silent Running is a master class in effective filmmaking, simple story telling and the enduring human spirit.

Extras on the Blu-ray

The Making of Silent Running (50:00) – a terrific and in-depth behind the scenes look at the story behind and creation of the film
Douglas Trumbull (36:00) – an interview with the man behind the camera
A Conversation with Bruce Dern (11:00)– the lead actor tells his story of working on the film
Original theatrical trailer (3:00).

As well as the original film, there’s a commentary version with Doug Trumbull and Bruce Dern adding fascinating insights to accompany the visuals. You can also watch the film with English subtitles or, somewhat unusually, with just the music and sounds effects track i.e. without dialogue.

Silent Running is released on Blu-ray on November 14.

A blistering run

2011-10-10T22:47:00.000+01:00

Well, I did it. I ran the Henley half marathon.

I didn't win but neither did I stop, even up the horrific hill at the 8-mile mark. In fact, I took the opportunity to overtake numerous 'walkers'. I didn't go as fast as I'd hoped (target: 1hr 45m vs. actual: 1hr 48m) but it was quicker than my previous effort by a minute and I did give it my all so I'm pretty satisfied.

More importantly than that though I've (so far) raised £466.20 for the Motor Neurone Disease Association. So it's at this point I'd like to thank everyone who has donated - Crossy, Tomas, Garry, Doug, Mum and Dad, Rod, Chris, Dave, Ian, Mark, Adam, Julie, Jonny and Ivan - and also to Matt and family who met me after, and to Mark and Cate who came along to support Trevor (who also got a PB) and me on Sunday morning. And then went to get breakfast.

Thanks to Mark for the photo.

I'm leaving my Just Giving page open until the end of the month so if anyone else wants to make a contribution that would be fantastic.

In the meantime, I'll leave with you with my souvenir from the race.

WARNING: Not for the squeamish

I spy a disappointment

2011-10-04T19:53:00.001+01:00

When it emerged that John Le Carre's cold war spy novelTinker Tailor Soldier Spy (henceforth TTSS) was being adapted for the big screen I can't honestly say I was massivelyenthused. I'd never read any of his books or even seen Smiley's People, the BBCproduction starring Alec Guinness so it had nothing to live up to.

The film had its world premiere at the Venice FilmFestival and critics fell over themselves to praise it. Words like'atmospheric' and 'gripping' were being bandied around. As well as a starring averitable who's who of modern British cinema, it was directed by TomasAlfredsson who had made the Swedish vampire tale Let The Right One In. I'dloved that and he could certainly do atmosphere so that was promising.

After weeks of further acclaim I finally saw TTSS at theweekend and was rather underwhelmed and disappointed. The acting is great, nodoubt about that. Gary Oldman as George Smiley underplays it marvellously andhe's supported by Cumberland Bandersnatch - that's his name, right? You know,BBC's Sherlock Holmes - Colin Firth, Tom Hardy, Toby Jones, Mark Strong et al.As promised, Alfredsson delivers on atmosphere. It's all smoky and muffled andmost of all beige. This is that 70s, not the lurid disco version.

Where it fails for me is in any sense of drama. Thecharacters are, by and large, so withdrawn and secretive that it's virtuallyimpossible to feel any empathy or sympathy for them. The plot hinges on findingthe mole in the British secret service and yet we're given minimal informationby way of clues. Unable to join in with the game of whodunit but even if Iwanted to, the big reveal ends up being a bit 'so what?' because a) I didn'tcare about any of them and b) I couldn't see the long or even short termramifications. Perhaps the idea that in the end it doesn't matter what peopledo is realistic but if the outcome is that the viewer isn't engaged then that'sa problem.

Critics will doubtless claim that the ponderous pace,lack of information and emphasis on furtive glances rather than actionsrepresents spying accurately. Well, that's as maybe but six hours of a man on ariverbank reading a book may well represent the reality of fishing but itdoesn't make it entertaining.

I think another reason critics are all over it is becauseit's different. Very few filmmakers have the balls to make a film as long andslow as this, focusing on subtlety and nuance - there's almost no money to bemade from it. Like them or not, the Transformers films made billions and sofilms like TTSS are a welcome respite for the hardened film reviewer. Probablythe vast majority of films a critic see in any given year will be rubbish soanything showing a bit of skill and, dare I say, art, is universally applauded.

There is a lot to admire in TTSS but given the hype I washoping for something a lot more engaging, moving even. Alfredsson knows whathe's doing behind the camera, that's for sure and I'm keen to see what he doesnext.

As an alternative to TTSS I'd like to recommend two filmswhich have a similar feel but which I feel deliver on intrigue and emotion alot more successfully. Interestingly, both won Best Foreign Film at the Oscars.First, there's The Lives of Others, set in 1980s East Germany and centres on surveillance in the Cold War.It's necessarily quiet, slow moving and unflashy but manages to be a tautthriller and a devastating piece of cinema.

The second film is The Secret in Their Eyes, amystery-drama-thriller from Argentina. Spanning several decades it follows aninvestigation into a murder of a young woman by a police detective who becomesobsessed with the case. It's wonderfully shot and although long provides aterrific conclusion, just when you think you have it sussed.

Jurassic Park - a retrospective review

2011-10-03T23:38:00.001+01:00

When I was five I got a book about dinosaurs for Christmas. It was full of illustrations of colourful and exotic creatures with ridiculously long names. So long in fact that they even provided phonetic versions - I seem to recall that diplodocus was 'dip-lo-doke-us'. If a film with apparently real dinosaurs had been made when I was that age I would have been ecstatic. Alas, I had to wait until 1993 but even then, some 15 years on, Jurassic Park was a magical experience.

Remastered and re-released ahead of all three films coming out on Blu-ray, Jurassic Park remains a joy nearly two decades after its initial release. Based on Michael Crichton's novel of the same name, the story is one of an amusement park gone wrong. John "no expense spared" Hammond (Sir Richard Attenborough) finds some "dino DNA" in an amber-trapped mosquito and with a bit of help from some science nerds quickly populates a small island off the coast of Costa Rica with dinosaurs.

After a worker on the island is killed, he invites mathematician Dr Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), paleobotanist Dr Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) and paleontologist Dr Alan Grant (Sam Neill) to assess the viability of the project along with his lawyer Gennaro (Martin Ferrero). Also along for the ride are Hammond's grandchildren, Tim and Lex. But things soon begin to go awry...

Jurassic Park is essentially a rehash of Crichton's own Westworld, the 1973 film about a Western-themed amusement park in which the star turns, robot cowboys, run amok. Starring Yul Brynner as a terrifying gunslinger, consciously or not, Westworld probably provided inspiration for James Cameron's The Terminator with its machines that stop at nothing/man as creator of its own downfall premise.

Here the dinosaurs are the villains of the piece and even with the advances in technology, they still look fantastic. Aside from a couple of slightly dodgy animated long shots, the velociraptors and the T-Rex in particular are as scary as hell. It helps that there's also some animatronics going on and overall it's mightily impressive on the special effects front, especially at the IMAX.

As with Avatar, this is a film big on visual spectacle and the years have not diminished the awe-inspiriing nature of our prehistoric pals on the big screen. Unlike Cameron's 3D CGI-fest however, Jurassic Park has a decent script and even beyond the dinosaurs, some great characters. There are however a couple of lapses of judgement from the usually impeccable Spielberg so let's get the flaws out of the way.

Firstly there's the entire premise, that of Jurassic Park. Never mind the safety of staff and guests, just how is anyone bar the mega-wealthy going to be able to afford to fly to Costa Rica, and then get a helicopter to an island a further 150 miles away? "It's for everyone," claims Hammond. "Yeah, we'll have coupon days," chirps Gennaro. Weirdly the business model seems even less credible than creating dinosaurs. Then there's Sir Dicky's accent. Ostensibly Scottish, it wavers all over the shop and could have been avoided by having him play an eccentric Englishman. Finally, and as often seems to be the case in Spielberg films, the female characters aren't given much to do or cry when they do it. Laura Dern is mainly an emotional wreck while young Alex is a bit whiny. Okay, so at least that's realistic but did we need quite so much mithering?

These are but minor quibbles. Jeff Goldblum is the epitome of cool as chaotician Ian Malcolm even if his purpose for being on the trip is to explain clever science stuff - the sort of thing Professor Brian Cox now does on the BBC - flirt with Ellie, and ruffle the feathers of Sam Neill's grumpy Dr Grant. Goldblum is hugely entertaining and almost steals the show, while Sam Neill is his usual solid self. Neill's character meanwhile benefits from a typical Hollywood 'life lesson' - at first suspicious and even hostile towards the children but eventually warming to them and it's to Spielberg's credit that it's not too vomit-inducing.

It's not the only lesson, and Spielberg's films are of course full of them. The dangers of playing God (also evident in A.I.), respecting nature (Jaws), children in peril (E.T., Jaws again) are all present here with the notable addition of 'greed will be your downfall'. In Dennis Nedry's case it's certainly not a case of the geek shall inherit the earth. I've just noticed that Nedry is an anagram of 'nerdy'. Coincidence? I think not.

By and large, and as you'd expect from Spielberg, this is an exemplary piece of filmmaking, well structured, not a scene or line of dialogue superfluous and brilliantly paced and executed. As in his masterpiece Jaws, there's a scary and faintly mysterious opening sequence and then a good hour of story before the monster is revealed, in this case the Tyrannosaurus Rex. But just when you've recovered from the shock and awe of that sequence - the tremors in the cups of water, the 'objects in the mirror appear closer than they are' gag - the terrifying velociraptors are unleashed and the rollercoaster ride continues.

Surprisingly undated - Lex's excitement over an "interactive CD-ROM!" aside - Jurassic Park stands up remarkably well and is well worth revisiting on as big a screen as you can find. You'll laugh, you might even be scared but the two-hour plus running time will whizz by and you'll be clamouring for a T-Rex lunchbox before you leave the cinema.

Take two

2011-09-26T21:11:00.002+01:00

Above: Me at Richmond Park parkrun, looking for all the world as if I'm winning the race. I wasn't.

About 18 months ago I ran the Reading Half Marathon. As I explain here (in rather too much detail, on reflection) it didn't go quite as I'd hoped and it's taken me this long to even consider doing another run of that length. I like running (although I haven't yet figured out why) but 13.1 miles is a fair old way and, well, last time it hurt.

But time heals all wounds (aside, perhaps, from decapitation) and on Sunday 9 October I'm running the Henley Half Marathon to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease Association. I've done more training this time so with any luck it will be easier and I'll beat my target time of one hour and forty-five minutes. That's about 18 minutes faster than the new world record for the marathon. Which frankly blows my mind.

Anyway, if you'd like to sponsor me that would be great. The company I work for, dunnhumby, will match any funds raised so whatever I get will be doubled.

Thanks in advance if you can spare any cash and I'll see you on the other side.

Please sponsor me!

I am not Jennifer Aniston

2011-09-05T20:39:00.004+01:00

You've probably heard about people going away to 'find themselves'. I've never really understood this or why these people invariably go to India. Why is that? Where are you going? You're already right where you are. There you are, there! You don't need to go anywhere! Sounds like an excuse for a holiday if you ask me.

Anyway today, quite by accident, I found myself. It wasn't instant but I didn't need to go to India. I can't remember exactly the sequence of events but for some reason I searched for myself on Google. But not just Google - Google images. I realise this may sound odd and I honestly can't explain it. All I know is that it wasn't specifically to find a photograph of myself. I know where to find one of those and the internet - as you'll soon discover - is categorically not that place.

As I've mentioned before, occasionally people confuse me with with Justine Bateman or Jason Bateman. So it's perhaps no surprise that Google's intuitive "have-you-misspelt-that-you-probably-mean-this" way of working offered up pictures of Justine and Jason before finding one of me. What puzzles me though are the other people who appear before (and indeed after) my fizzog makes an appearance.

Michael Cera
Jeff Bridges
Jennifer Aniston
Ryan Reynolds
The Joker
Faye Dunaway
Justin Timberlake
Justin Bieber
Dustin Hoffman
Will Smith

The Justins I get, even Dustin, but the women? How has my name been attached to these images? Are there people out there tagging photos of celebrities with my name? And if so, why?

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this so if you work for Google or know something of meta data and SEO please do let me know.

Colour me amazed

2011-05-23T21:35:00.002+01:00

There's a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon strip in which Calvin asks his Dad why old photos are in black and white. Unwilling or more likely unable to go into the intricacies of film and the development of colour from monochrome he simply says that until about the 1930s the world was in black and white. Calvin accepts this and I think for many people (myself included) this is certainly the easiest explanation.

The other day I was alerted to a website containing 'Rare Color photos from Depression Era'. Taken in the US between 1939 and 1944 it shows a selection of images which are not only beautiful in ther own right but also have that marvellous rarity factor that only things you'd expect to be in black and white can really have. The sheer vibrancy of the colours is probably what stuns me the most - and puts me in mind of watching North by Northwest on Blu-ray. Such colour, such clarity, such... a long time ago.

Anyway, some of these are great so I'll linger no longer and let you have a look for yourself.

Rare Color photos from Depression Era

Film of the week (part 2): Julia's Eyes

2011-05-20T11:53:00.002+01:00

In recent years horror films seem to have fallen into one of several sub-genres. Teen slashers, often remakes (Friday the 13th); creepy thrillers that make you jump (Paranormal Activity); or gore-filled gorefests full of gore (Saw 27). So it's refreshing to see something that's a little bit jumpy, a tiny bit bloody but mainly disturbing and unsettling in a really gripping way.

Produced by Guillermo del Toro and written and directed by Guillem Morales, Julia's Eyes is a rarity in today's cinema - a mystery story. Maybe this sort of intricate plotting and imagination is beyond many writers or maybe it's just easier not to bother but either way they're thin on the ground (Scream 4 is the obvious recent exception but that itself is the exception to the rule). The plot of this Spanish film is relatively simple.

Sara (Rueda) has a degenerative and apparently irreversible eye disease which has turned her blind. Before the titles even roll she appears to have committed suicide but her twin sister Julia (also played by Rueda) refuses to believe it. She is also afflicted with the early stages of the disease and despite concern from her husband that she is imagining things on account of her condition, Julia is determined to get to the bottom of her sister's death.

Morales throws in just the right amount of information and a few neat twists and turns at a steady pace to maintain the tension for the first two-thirds of the film. In the final act it moves up several gears and from nervy and unsettling it becomes genuinely horrific and also provides some surprising revelations.

To go into too much detail would be to spoil what is a taut and suspenseful thriller, wonderfully acted by Rueda. The film also makes you consider fear from a new perspective. A killer on the loose is one thing but when you're rapidly losing your sight it takes it into a whole new dimension. This isn't the first time this notion has been addressed in film (1994's Blink starring Madeleine Stowe springs instantly to mind) but Julia's Eyes is nevertheless an original and intelligent chiller. Highly recommended.

What do you mean?

2011-05-16T19:07:00.005+01:00

Click on the image twice if it's too small to read. For some reason I couldn't make it any bigger.

Today's picture comes via Jack Schofield, journalist at The Guardian.

Film of the week: Attack the Block

2011-05-16T09:28:00.003+01:00

A nurse is walking through south London on the way home to her flat in a council estate. As she's mugged by a group of teenagers, a fireball plummets from the sky onto a car. She escapes in the confusion but one of the hoodies is attacked by something that emerges from the ruins of the car. They track it down and kill it but far from ending the matter, it signals the beginning of a night of confusion, violence and terror. Oh, and comedy.

Attack the Block is the debut feature from Joe Cornish, former TV and now radio presenter, famous for his professional partnership with childhood chum Adam Buxton. Cornish has never made any secret of his love of films and it's edifying to see that both this and his sense of humour shine through in this thriller-horror-comedy. Citing films such as Gremlins and The Outsiders, Cornish has created a fun-filled rollercoaster ride of a film that entertains from start to finish.

As ever, key to the success is the script. It's well paced, consistently funny and is full of recognisable characters but who don't all sound exactly the same. For me, this is the council estate film that Anuvahood could have been. Not in terms of the story - this is about aliens, although frankly for the most part it feel a lot more realistic in almost every other way - but in how people really are. The street slang is all there, not everyone is likeable by any means, but although this is fantasist escapism, it also manages to feel gritty, which is no mean feat.

Although not exactly a horror film - it's light on gore and more jumpy than scary - this is nevertheless full of pace and Cornish maintains the tension throughout thanks to the adroit, efficient but never flashy editing. The aliens - "hairy gorilla werewolf motherfuckers" - are kept largely and admirably to your perpiheral vision, a far more effective use of 'the monsters' than modern audiences may be used to.

With such a large ensemble cast, it would be churlish not to mention the performances. The only household name is Nick Frost and good as he is, he's very much a supporting player. Quite rightly, given their importance in the story, it's left to the kids (and Jodie Whittaker's nurse) to drive the narrative forward. John Boyega as Moses is the ostensible lead and does a neat line in brooding teenage menace and he's ably supported by Alex Esmail as Pest who provides a good few laughs from his facial expressions alone. Even the youngest characters play their part - it's virtually impossible not to be charmed by an eight-year-old who insists on being called 'Mayhem'.

Overall, this is a fine first feature intelligent, exciting, technically excellent and laugh-out-loud funny. Believe.

My new look

2011-05-13T21:42:00.002+01:00

What do you think?

Not reality, barely TV

2011-05-10T21:54:00.002+01:00

"I'd hire Melody for her bone structure. Is that so wrong?"

That was the text message I received on my way home this evening.

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about" was my response. Turns out that tonight is the return of The Apprentice, BBC1's flagship reality TV programme in which aspiring bzznzz people at first work together but ultimately against each other in order to win a job as an apprentice for Sir Lord Sir Alan Lord Sugar. I've never seen an entire episode (are they episodes? that makes it sound like real television, more of which later) so how do I know all this? Well, you'd have to be quite the recluse to know nothing about it because SO many people watch it and write about it and now tweet every single sodding word that's uttered on it over the course of the hour that it's on.

Reality TV has been around for donkeys years sporadically (anyone remember The Living Soap?) but only really became the phenomenon it is today with the advent of Big Brother in 2000 (in the UK at least - it began in the Netherlands in 1997). That first series was genuinely fascinating. The people involved had no idea how it was being received in the outside world and as far as it could be was proper reality TV. By the second series though, applicants knew it was a shortcut to fame and fortune and the sociological study element of the show was already null and void. More and more outrageous characters applied to be on it and were recruited - after all, freaks make good telly, right?

Numerous talent shows followed including Pop Idol, X Factor, America's Next Top Model, Great British Hairdresser -it seems there is no talent that people do not want to see aired in public. I'm sure there are some very talented people involved but I have zero interest in watching them for the simple reason that they want to be on television. I would suggest that by and large, with a few noble exceptions, their interest is in becoming famous. I seem to recall reading fairly recently that when asked what they want to be when they grow up, the most common response from children nowadays is, simply, to be famous. Not to be skilled at something or to achieve anything. Just fame. And why not when as reality television has demonstrated that all you need is a certain notoriety and a good publicist to become rich and famous?

My irritation isn't really with these people, although a lot of them are unfeasibly irritating. Actually, this is another thing that confuses me about people who watch this sort of thing. Aren't there enough idiots you already know or encounter in daily life for you to want to to avoid actively watching them? And don't give me some bullshit about it being a fascinating people-watching exercise. Admit it, you're just tuning in to make yourself feel better about yourself, because you're not as dumb or deluded or plain unpleasant as they are.

Anyway, what annoys me most is that the people making the programmes have found such a cheap way to make successful television, and more specifically, a type of show I have no interest in watching. In and of itself, that's fine, there will always be television programmes I don't want to watch (more than most, I'd wager, but that's another matter). The problem is that by using time, money and creativity for these shows, producers are less willing to invest in writers, directors and actors, in drama, comedy and so forth. I understand it from a business perspective, it's a no-brainer. Why take risks on something that may not get the ratings when people will make expensive phone calls to vote for their favourite singer?

But the format is boring and the people are boring and the cod drama around each and every contestant and competition makes me want to throw the TV out of the window. What's worse is when these contests - which half the time are clearly faked or manipulated or just plain bent - reveal themselves to be what they are, a sham, the viewers complain and are outraged that they are not being told the truth! What is wrong with you idiots?! It's not reality any more than EastEnders. Bizarrely (or perhaps not; even my sense of what is and isn't bizarre is getting warped) I find myself caring far more about fictional characters than I do about anyone I see on these programmes. Most of them are self-obsessed, self-aggrandising and self-centred. That may well be the route to success but if it is, it's not the sort of success I ever want.

So that's why I don't like 'reality' TV. I also don't like the fact that Lord Sir Alan's catchphrase is "You're fired!" As the comedian Sean Lock pointed out, they're all trying to get a job so technically they're not an employee yet and thus can't be fired.

Film of the week: 13 Assassins

2011-05-05T22:06:00.003+01:00

As much as I enjoyed the mystical, surreal fantasy martial arts of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and other ‘wire-fu’ films of that ilk, it’s good to get back to some good old-fashioned swordplay. Takashi Miike’s 13 Assassins may be a remake but it’s a classic case of a simple story simply told.

Lord Naritsugu (Goro Inagaki) is the Shogun’s brother and as such is above the law in a generally peaceful, feudal Japan. Naritsugu takes advantage of his position by raping and murdering just to amuse himself. But while his brother will take no action to prevent these atrocities Sir Doi (Mikijiro Hira), a top official of the Shogun has decided to take matters into his own hands by enlisting the help of Shinzaemon (Koji Yakusho), a master samurai. Shinzaemon must gather together a team of the finest assassins he can find, from swordsmen to bomb experts, to take the life of Naritsugu and in so doing overcome the might of his highly trained and plentiful army of bodyguards.

Following a classic three-act structure, the first sets the scene slowly and quietly but with sufficient gravitas to make the point that the man the good guys are up against is a despot in the making, and that without their help innocent people will suffer. Shinzaemon soon gathers his band of men, all desperate in their own way to fulfil their roles as samurai.

It’s soon clear that a straight fight will not work. However skilled the assassins, quality cannot in this case overcome the sheer quantity of the opposition. Shinzaemon must therefore employ what are effectively guerrilla military tactics to outwit his foe – and mightily effective they are too. To go into details would be to spoil what is a bloody battle that is as entertaining and imaginative as it is brutal. One of the clever things about the carefully choreographed fight sequences is that while they begin with measured camera movements, as the actions of those involved become more erratic and desperate, so do the visual representations.

The violence, plentiful though it is, is never gratuitous. More often than not, Miike cuts away at the last minute, sparing either the viewer or the victim from the indignity of the moment of death. So when there is a decapitation (and there are a few) it has real resonance. Inevitably there are numerous deaths but the fact that they come largely at the hands of skilled swordsmen lends the whole affair a nobility of purpose and spirit that is even remarked upon by Naritsugu.

Despite being an action adventure at heart, there would be no real drama or reason to care without there first being properly drawn characters. For Shinzaemon, this is a final gamble at making his life worthwhile, and the same can be said of his nephew Shinrokuro (Takayuki Yamada). Sahara (Arata Furuta) wants only to be paid but at least his reasons are honourable, Ogura (Masataka Kubota) has lost both of his parents at an early age, while Hirayama (Tsuyoshi Ihara) wants the chance to use his carefully honed skills. The one exception is Koyata (Yusuke Iseya) who is no samurai but more than makes up for a lack of craft with his sheer bravura and joie de vivre.

Essentially though, all of them want to do the right thing and it’s virtually impossible not to cheer for them. As well as being a film about the meaning of life, the dignity of death and loyalty, 13 Assassins is a hugely enjoyable and masterfully directed slice of samurai excellence.

Oh I do like to be beside the...

2011-05-03T22:14:00.003+01:00

Well, it seems as though I've given up writing in favour of photography, for the time being at least. I went to East Wittering in Sussex for part of the recent long weekend and the results can be found in the album below.

Seaside

The sun also rises

2011-04-25T22:35:00.004+01:00

Inspired by Alex Saberi's photos, I finally hauled myself out of bed at 4.30am this morning in order to catch the sunrise in Richmond Park. Even though I knew the sun wasn't going to rise until 5.45, I thought it better to be too early than late. Good thinking eh?

But by 5.30 it was pretty much broad daylight and there was no sign of the sun. Rather than wait for it, I wandered from my lofty vantage point to look at a pond. While I was figuring out how best to use the settings on my camera, I missed the sun appearing over the horizon. Even so, I think I got a few half-decent shots but more importantly learnt some valuable lessons.

1. I need a tripod. Taking pictures of the moon (or indeed anything) with a long exposure but without a tripod (or unfeasibly steady hands) is impossible.
2. Pay attention to the sunrise time.
3. I need to learn more about my camera.
4. I could probably do with a camera with a bigger, better lens. Too often I'm being frustrated by my lack of range.

Here are my photos from this morning.

Easter bunnies

2011-04-24T11:47:00.003+01:00

It's been 47 days since I started my Lent-esque pledge to write every day until Easter and I don't know about you but March 9 seems like an age ago. I didn't manage to write every day (this is my 40th post) and a few of them were 'recycled' reviews but I had written them in the first place so, so there.

On a few occasions I found myself posting for no reason other than I had committed to doing so and as a result they're not all exactly literature gold. But generally I found it fun and I hope you did too. I'll most likely carry on blogging although probably not every day. You never know, the quality might improve as a result.

Anyway, I hope you like the Easter bunnies I found in Richmond Park on Friday. They can be found in my Good Friday album on Picasa, along with some deer and other wildlife I encountered that day.

Poetry

2011-04-20T23:46:00.002+01:00

I was going to write a poem today. The sun was shining, blossoms were in the trees, the warm, quiet glow of summer was all around and I was feeling fine.

And then the day became utterly frantic, I forgot and the unexpectedly won tickets to see Attack the Block, the new film written and directed by Joe Cornish of Adam and Joe fame. If you don't already listen to their radio show on 6music (or podcast) you really should as they're very funny.

I'll be reviewing the film in due course but for now I'll just say it's laugh-out-loud funny, quite gripping and thoroughly entertaining. Here's the trailer.

Warning: contains hoodies and street slang.

Film of the week: Adèle Blanc-Sec

2011-04-19T23:35:00.004+01:00

I know it's all been a bit movie-related lately but that's what I've been watching and writing about and I don't have time to do any extra stuff at the moment. C'est la vie, as they say in France, and by pure coincidence (maybe) my favourite film released this week is French...

Famed novelist Adèle Blanc-Sec has taken a commission to go to Peru to write about Macchu Picchu, the lost city of the Incas. Instead, she goes to Egypt to rob a grave. More specifically, she wants to find the tomb of Tutankhamen's’s personal physician. Her plan is to take him back to Paris to Professor Esperiandieu who she hopes will be able to talk to the mummy and wake her sister from the coma she’s in following a freak tennis accident. However, the professor has his own concerns as his telepathic powers have caused a 136 million year old pterodactyl egg in the Natural History museum to hatch, bringing confusion and terror to the city.

As you can probably tell by this plot summary, this isn’t based on a true story, but is based on a series of comic books by Jacques Tardi. As we’ve seen before, perhaps most notably in The Fifth Element, Luc Besson embraces such flights of fancy and gives us a fresh and fun fantasy adventure. Our titular heroine is a determined, feisty and capable adventurer, a literal tomb raider but is at least as much Indiana Jones as she is Lara Croft. However, her derring-do is driven entirely by her love and devotion to her sister and this is a perfectly plausible thread in an otherwise implausible tale.

As befitting its comic book roots, the film is light in tone and has a good smattering of comical characters. Inspector Caponi spends most of his time trying to get a meal when he’s not falling asleep at inopportune moments, while Adèle’s erstwhile love interest Zborowski is a classic bespectacled science nerd, or at least a 1912 French equivalent. The humour is largely innocent and has certain simple charm that seems to be peculiar to the French, and to some just peculiar.

But the real star is Louise Bourgoin as Adèle. Overcoming obstacles and setbacks without so much batting an eyelid, she brings a poise and elegance – not to mention a natural, beguiling beauty – to Adèle that lights up every scene in which she appears. As a story it lacks bit of pace at times but Besson’s eye for the aesthetic extends beyond the lead actress and into the lush period sets and expert but unobtrusive special effects. An agreeable, entertaining and amusing confection.

Adèle Blanc-Sec is out in the cinemas in the UK this Friday, 22 April.

Visit the official site where you can also watch a trailer

Quick and Angry

2011-04-18T23:56:00.004+01:00

Muscle cars. Hot women. Muscled men. Warm locations. Guns. Explosions. Races. Fury. Fast, er, fastness! Yes! You know what you’re getting with Fast and Furious film, right? Wrong. Everything you think you know about F&F? Forget it. Forget it all! Okay, not really. All of the above is still present if not exactly correct in this fifth instalment but now there’s something new, something hitherto unheard of in the franchise. What, what is it Justin? What on earth made you give this so many stars? Read, on dear reader, read on.

Those of you paying attention/still awake at the end of F&F4 will recall that Dom (Vin Diesel) had been sentenced to life in prison “without the possibility of parole”, no less. However, sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) and friend and ex-cop Brian (Paul Walker) were just about to bust him out of a prison bus. Against all expectations, this crazy plan works and the gang all end up in Rio because, you know, criminals on the run NEVER go there.

They’re out of cash so they agree to one last job(TM) which involves stealing cool cars from a moving train. It just so happens that one of these cars belongs to Reyes, the man who ‘owns’ Rio and it contains a chip which has ALL of the information about his dodgy dealings. With this, Dom decides that he must be stopped and sets about taking all his money from him. But to do this, he must a) get together a team and b) get into Reyes’ vault, which is heavily guarded. Sound familiar? Ocean’s Five? Fast and Furious Ocean’s?

Until this point, aside from the train heist which is pretty damn spectacular, it’s all so far, so what. But then something strange happens. First, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is introduced as Luke Hobbs a special agent who never misses a target. Then, with the team assembled, all the clichés are rolled out. There a gunfights and rooftop chases, cars get raced for no apparent reason and Hobbs’ choice of agent, Elena Neves (Elsa Pataky) says the immortal line, “Something big is going down.”

The dialogue is abominable and as with previous Fast and Furiousness, the attempts at serious drama are laughable but suddenly there’s a chuckle here, a glimmer of humour there, entirely lacking from any of the previous films. Then before you know it, it’s clear. The team have realised just how preposterous this whole thing is and they're playing up to it, and The Rock is sending himself up. The action somehow gets even more ridiculous, people start changing allegiance for no good reason and suddenly it’s a parody and everyone’s having fun and why the hell couldn’t all of the others have been this entertaining?!

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a great film by any stretch of your fevered imagination. But, after the reverence given to the humble motor vehicle in previous efforts and the pomposity of the scripts, this is a breath of fresh air. In fact, the very lack of car action and bold inclusion of a plot is probably why I liked it quite as muchas I did. Sure it’s too long and too loud and utterly ludicrous – I cannot stress how literally unbelievable 99% of this is, especially the brilliantly over the top final act – but somehow, through sheer balls it manages to save itself and for that it should be applauded. Nothing like as bad as I feared and quite a lot of fun if you’re even remotely in the right mood, Furiously Fast 5 is quite probably the best film about cars and robbers and guns and that set in Rio out this week.

Fast & Furious 5: Rio Heist opens in the UK on Thursday 21 April

I'll see you in court!

2011-04-17T22:40:00.002+01:00

Who doesn't love a good courtroom drama? I don't not! Okay, that could have been phrased better. But you know what I mean. There's something intriguing about the intricacies of the law and a good old-fashioned murder to tickle my filmic tastebuds.

Perhaps the ultimate example of this genre is 12 Angry Men (1957), Sidney Lumet's film starring Henry Fonda, a largely set-bound drama about a jury deciding the fate of an accused man. I'm also a big fan of A Few Good Men (1992), which is written by and based on Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing, The Social Network)'s play of the same name and starred Tom Cruise and Jack "You can't ahndle the truth!" Nicholson.

The following year saw the release of The Firm, another Tom Cruise vehicle also starring Gene Hackman. It's based on the novel by John Grisham and began a slew of Hollywood/Grisham productions, one of which was A Time to Kill starring Matthew McConaughey. Since that, I haven't seen many films starring McConaughey and possibly only Sahara, which if that was anything to go by was one in along line of very average features in which he usually took his top off and often was unable to stand up by himself in the poster.

Today I saw The Lincoln Lawyer in which Matt plays a lawyer who works mainly out of his Lincoln (it's a big American car). I won't go into the plot but it's based on a novel by Michael Connelly who could very well be the new John Grisham - I'm not sure who decides these things. Needless to say, it's a complicated tale and while it's not without its imperfections and clichés it is a thoroughly engaging and entertaining couple of hours. Our main man is coolness personified and reminded me a little of Humphrey Bogart's Sam Spade or Philip Marlow, while the supporting cast which includes William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei and Ryan Philippe are all good foils. It's not exactly groundbreaking but it is really well done and well worth seeking out.

Screenjabber's review of The Lincoln Lawyer

Daphne Zuniga

2011-04-17T10:12:00.003+01:00

Daphne who? I hear you cry. Daphne Zuniga. Because repeating myself will make you understand. Still not familiar? Daphers first came to prominence in the 1985 film The Sure Thing.

A romantic comedy, it stars John Cusack as a Walter "Gib" Gibson, a college freshman who takes a shine to bookish Alison (Zuniga). Meanwhile, he has been invited to LA by his old school chum (played by Anthony Edwards, that's 'Goose' from Top Gun) to meet a "sure thing", a slim, attractive blonde who wants no strings, guilt free sex. But to get to California, Gib must hitch a ride and who does he end up going with? Yep, Alison. Cue arguments, hilarity and an inevitable conclusion.

Possibly because a rom-com like this gets released almost every week now, in retrospect this may seem obvious and predictable. But I'd like to think that it's not simply nostalgia that makes me think this is a cut above its modern equivalents. For a start it's directed by Rob Reiner who knows what he's doing behind the camera, ad John Cusack is always watchable.

Then there's Daph. She's pretty in an unassuming way but you kind of feel like the pair of them wouldn't be considered attractive enough to be leads in a film nowadays. In fact, it's their very lack of 'perfection' that makes their characters believable. A couple of years later, she starred in Mel Brooks' Star Wars spoof Spaceballs but beyond that has generally been seen mainly on television in Melrose Place and One Tree Hill.

So there you have it. Daphne Zuniga. Although I still don't know it's pronounced ZUN-iga or Zun-EAGER.

Marathon man

2011-04-15T22:58:00.003+01:00

This post is not about me. This is about my mate Crossy who is running the London Marathon/Snickers on Sunday. He recently completed the Reading Half in a very good time and I'm expecting him to do just as well on Sunday (no pressure).

Crossy is raising money for charity but I honestly mention this merely in passing. As he said himself, when famous people on twitter retweet random people's sponsorship requests, do other's really give money? Seems a bit, well, random. Sure it's nice, if you can afford it, but where do you draw the line? If it's someone I know, sure. If not, well, good luck.

Anyway, I want to wish him luck on Sunday and hopefully I'll see him during. But mainly after. Big up, big man. Twenty-six miles and 385 yards is a long way to run. Go get 'em.

Swordsational

2011-04-14T23:18:00.002+01:00

I saw 13 Assassins tonight. I wanted to see it at the London Film Festival back in the autumn but as with Submarine I'd missed out so was delighted to get the chance tonight.

It's the story of a samurai master hired to kill the murderous brother of the ruling Shogun and the trained killers he rounds up to carry out the seemingly impossible task. Essentially an action film, it's wonderfully put together and thoroughly entertaining. I'll post the review nearer the time of release so do keep 'em peeled. If you can cope with subtitles, this is a little slice of heaven. Sword, slice, yeah? Oh never mind.

Nothing Compares 2 Me

2011-04-13T22:02:00.002+01:00

Remember Sinéad O'Connor? Of course you do. She had a shaved head and sang a song written by Prince called Nothing Compares 2 U which went to number one in the charts. Then a little while later she became a priest called Mother Bernadette Mary.

I also have a shaved head. For this reason alone (I think) I was selected to mime the song as part of the entertainment for a recent work pub quiz. There's no point in me saying much more, it's all in the video.

Nothing Compares 2 Me from Justin Bateman on Vimeo.

Mary Broome

2011-04-12T22:36:00.005+01:00

Mary Broome is a maid in a suburban Manchester household. When her employers discover she is pregnant they are shocked but not as much as when they find out their youngest son, Leonard, is the father. Leonard is a dilettante, a highly intelligent layabout, a bounder with fine ideas but no wish to either work or marry Mary. But unless he does, his appalled father will cut him off and leave him in an unthinkable situation - requiring a job.

Mary Broome, a play written by Allan Monkhouse, premiered 100 years ago and although I'm old I can't pretend to know how it was received back in 1911. However, I'd wager that it caused as many shocks as laughs. Mary is a well-meaning young woman with decent morals, an inherent goodness and as we eventually discover, a strength of character and bravery perhaps unusual for a woman of her standing and of the time. Leonard on the other hand is reprehensible, at least in his disapproving father's eyes, despite the fact that he has been brought up to believe he doesn't really need to work. But perhaps what's most interesting about Leonard is that he is honest to a fault, expressing his feelings in a way that no one else in his puritanical family would dare.

Despite his many faults - he cares little for other people and yet has no shame in asking them for pecuniary handouts - after a while it's hard not to admire his openness, his willingness to share his feelings, particularly those towards his mother who he loves dearly and understands better than anyone. He's no saint, far from it, but although selfish there is a refreshing honesty to this fatally flawed character and in the end Leonard is what makes this such a lively, amusing and fascinating social study.

Mary Broome is showing at the Orange Tree Theatre in Richmond until Saturday 23 April.

Wrong number

2011-04-11T22:58:00.003+01:00

This wasn't sent to my phone and I have no idea whether it was made up or is genuine but by golly it made me chuckle.

More iPhone funnies can be found at Damn You Auto Correct!

The Correction Department

2011-04-10T19:07:00.002+01:00

I have no idea why but small yet significant errors make me laugh an inordinate amount. Take this morning.

There I was, mildly hungover from a great night at a Patrick's wedding, when my old chum Ian asked me whether I'd seen The Correction Department. I didn't immediately recognise the name but it sounded vaguely familiar. After a moment's thought, I realised his mistake.

"Do you by any chance mean The Adjustment Bureau?"

"Oh! Yes, that's it."

To be fair, the real title isn't exactly thrilling and both sound like a solution to a clerical error but as Ivan pointed out, The Correction Department does sound rather like a film about the history of Tipp-Ex.

I posted this hilarity online and a couple of people commented. One said her nine-year-old son had referred to Shakespeare's As You Like It as Let Me Pleasure You, while another said she had a friend who wanted to go and see The Very Quiet Sheep (meaning, obviously, The Silence of the Lambs).

If memory serves, my Dad once referred to Simply Red as Slightly Pink but I can't think of any others off the top of my head. Oh yes I can. The father of an ex-girlfriend of Ian, showed his knowledge of all things film to be a bit less than perfect by talking about the actor and director Kevin Costman.

I'd like to think you too have amusing tales to tell...

Tapas and that

2011-04-08T21:42:00.002+01:00

It's not that I can't be bothered to write every day at the moment. Far from it. It's just that I keep going out and forgetting. All these famous writers who used to drink and claimed it was part of their way of working, their muse or whatever, I don't get it. As soon as I have a couple of beers it completely slips my mind.

Anyway, as I've got a lot to do I'm not only hardly writing anything today but I also don't have time to edit the photo album from my recent trip to Madrid. So there's a lot of random stuff on there, much of which won't mean much to you unles you know the people involved. But enough excuses. Here are some pictures for you to have a look at.

Madrid 2011 on Picasa

Boyfriend?

2011-04-06T22:00:00.004+01:00

I've been around for a while, I know a bit about this and that, some might even say I'm a man of the world. I've never been the most fashion conscious but neither am I stuck in the seventies (or are they back again now?). Basically, I'm fairly average in both knowledge and uptake.

I'm not so out of touch that I don't know there are various style of jeans - flares, skinny fit, bootcut, baggy (is that one? I may have just made that one up). But I have to confess I was utterly dumbfounded when I found out today that there is a style of jeans called 'boyfriend'. Apparently this isn't even a new development, they've been around for years. I suppose it's not that unusual in that I don't shop for girls' clothes but even so I know what jeggings are, much to my annoyance.

But what I understand least is what on earth this description means. Flares, skinny, even bootcut describe the style simply but adequately. Boyfriend though? What the hell does that mean? Untrustworthy? Short? Smelly? Likely to go to the pub without warning? Slightly perverted?

If you have an answer to this question, or any other examples of bizarrely named attire, please do get in touch. You could win a community action trust reward.

Nature on my doorstep

2011-04-05T23:14:00.003+01:00

Today I was alerted to some truly stunning pictures by an amateur photographer called Alex Saberi. What interested almost as much as the brilliance of the shots was that he took them in Richmond Park, which is almost literally on my doorstep.

I'm not going to say anymore except that a) this might well have inspired me to get up early once or twice to go and take some snaps myself and b) you should visit his website, click on 'Nature' and prepare to be amazed.

www.alexsaberi.com

Real Madrid 0 Sporting Gijon 1

2011-04-04T21:28:00.002+01:00

Saturday's big match in Madrid was historic for a number of reasons.

1. It was attended by me (and Ronaldo, the Brazilian, who used to play for Real and was there to collect some sort of award, presumably as he's just retired from the game).
2. It was the first time this season Real hadn't won at home in the league.
3. It was the first time that any team managed by Jose Mourinho (Porto, Chelsea and Internazionale were the teams before he joined Real) had lost a game at home in nine (9) years or 150 games.
4. Real were rubbish.
5. The alcohol-free beer was actually quite tasty.
6. Ian ruined my perfectly decent if dull photo of the stadium (see above).

Hiatus approaching

2011-04-02T00:15:00.002+01:00

Okay. I have a confession to make. I'm off to Spain in the morning and I'm not taking my laptop with me. The likelihood is that I won't be updating my blog for two days. I realise this contravenes the rules of my parole/Lent promise but maybe if I make up for it in posts afterwards that will be okay?

As it's a stag do, with any luck I'll have some amusing tales to tell. If I don't, I'll make something up to entertain you. After all, that's my role, right? To make you laugh, cry, swear, fall over? I'm some sort of a clown to you, yeah? A performing monkey? Huh?

Well, there it is. If you think of me this weekend, I'll probably be eating tapas, drinking sangria and fighting bulls. Yep, bound to be. All of those things, all at once. Olé!

Running for money

2011-03-31T22:42:00.002+01:00

Today I ran to work. I think it's about 6 miles which isn't very far in the grand scheme of things but the weird thing is that it takes less time to run than it does to get there by public transport. Because of the vagaries of the roads and river Thames between SW14 and W5, using a combination of train and tube or bus and tube my record time to get to work is 45 minutes. This morning my door-to-door time was... 44:39.

As I was jogging along it occurred to me that I was not only helping my fitness but I was also saving money. Not a lot - about £2 - but still, if I ran in (or home) three times a week that would be £6. A month, £24. The reason I haven't done it more is partly the weather, partly the season (getting up in the dark is hard enough without throwing in exercise in the rain) and partly an inability or unwillingness to try to plan. Because in order to run in today, I had to take in a full set of work clothes. I can't now run in again until I do the same thing. Likewise, if I want to carry anything more than phone, keys and wallet, I have to plan it all in advance. And I'm not much of a planner.

Anyhoo, I am planning to run to or from work more. The question is, what shall I do with the money I'm saving?

Where is the love?

2011-03-30T20:25:00.003+01:00

I keep seeing references to 'Rebecca Black' and 'Friday' all over the interwebs so I've taken the plunge and done some research. Seems Rebecca has released a pop single, called 'Friday'. A single which has been described as the worst song ever. Rebecca is 13 years old.

I've watched the video (see below) and a number of thoughts occur. Firstly, she looks a whole lot older than 13. Honestly your honour, I coulda sworn etc and so on. Secondly, it's disposable pop. What on earth do people expect? It's not that bad. Is it? I mean, it isn't any good, for sure, but the worst song ever? Have these critics even heard of hyperbole? Probably not, actually. Thirdly, isn't it weird how certain things or people attract such opprobrium? According to the stats on YouTube, more than 150,000 people like the video. But in excess of 1.2 MILLION people dislike it. That's a whole lotta hatin' goin' on.

Maybe it's just easier to destroy, to knock, to mock than it is to build up, to like, to love. I've never really been one for hating. Consciously or otherwise I can't be bothered to waste my emotional energy on people I couldn't care less about. But it still confuses me why certain personalities in the public are so despised.

Jamie Oliver is a classic example. When he appeared on our screens about a decade ago, he was considered a breath of fresh air, the perfect antidote to the stuffy, old-fashioned, preciseness of Delia Smith. But after not very long at all he was being roundly mocked for, essentially, being himself, with his estuary accent and his casual vernacular. Mostly though his detractors focused on his slight speech impediment, referring to him as "fat-tongued cunt". Nice. Real nice. But then that's the way of bullies. Always finding something to pick on while they do what? Anything constructive? No, didn't think so. Meanwhile, Jamie has deservedly made millions by doing something he loves and giving back to society through Fifteen and his attempts to get the general public to eat more healthily.

I have no idea whether Rebecca Black will go on to superstardom (judging by this effort, probably not) but is there really any need for such an extreme reaction? Is it simple jealousy? And if it is, what does it say about society (or at least a part of it) that makes wanting fame so envy inspiring?

Apologies for any self-righteousness inferred in this post. Normal service will resume shortly.

Store high in transit

2011-03-29T23:17:00.004+01:00

Tonight I watched a film I first saw a few years ago. It's an Australian mockumentary called Kenny about a guy who works for Splash Down Corporate Bathrooms. He's a plumber, or as his disapproving Dad calls him, "a turd burglar."

It's one of those films that didn't get much media coverage because it doesn't star anyone pretty, it's Australian and well, it's about shit. But don't let this put you off. It's brilliantly written and played by Shane Jacobson as our eponymous hero and considering the subject matter there is surprisingly little toilet humour, or at least not in the traditional sense. The jokes come thick and fast (sorry) and the characters are beautifully drawn, making up for the lack of plot with genuine depth and pathos.

Watch it. It's not at all crap.

Film review: Sucker Punch

2011-03-28T23:23:00.006+01:00

I'll be honest, I had pretty low expectations for this one and in some ways they were met. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy parts of this. Maybe I just needed some escapism at the end of a long week but this definitely wasn't the worst film I've seen. Not the best recommendation ever? Well, that's just how it goes sometimes...

Can you imagine a pop video crossed with a computer game crossed with a teenage boy’s wet dream? If you can, you’re well on the way to knowing what to expect from Sucker Punch, the latest fantasy action-fest from Zack Snyder.

In an extended pop promo-style prologue we see Baby Doll (Browning) conned out of her inheritance by an evil stepfather. In a fit of fury she shoots at him but accidentally kills her younger sister and as a result is carted off to a mental institute. A mental institute peopled by ridiculously hot women, obviously. It soon becomes apparent that Baby Doll is going to be lobotomized within a week unless she can find a way out.

The film then moves into fantasy mode as our heroine meets and joins forces with Sweet Pea (Cornish), her sister Rocket (Malone), Blondie (Hudgens) and Amber (Chung) in a bid to escape. Her best bet seems to be dancing because when she does everyone in the vicinity is so distracted that the other girls can collect a map, fire, a knife and a key – the tools required to get out. But we don’t see this because while Baby Doll gyrates we are transported to a series of fantasy worlds where giant warriors, killer robots, Nazis, orcs, dragons and bombs all threaten the safety of our machine gun-toting, martial artist girls.

If this all sounds totally preposterous then I’ve done my job properly. It is utter nonsense and unashamedly so. Snyder seems unable to make a film without swathes of slo-mo and to be fair, the CGI is so expertly done and the action so wonderfully choreographed that it’s hard not to be at least a little bit impressed.
Unfortunately, in between these intense action sequences (during which, by the way, your eardrums are in serious peril) comes the drama. While none of the actresses are bad as such, the script they’ve been given and the notion that this could in any way be moving means that these sections fall flatter than pancake run over by a steamroller driven by an obese elephant.

It’s not a dull film by any means and if you like watching young women in sexy outfits shooting shit up to a pumping soundtrack then this may well tickle your fancy. It’s a case of style over substance to such a degree that it’s ridiculous but then sometimes we want something that’s the very definition of escapism. That’s not to excuse the lack of depth – in theory both a vivid imagination and some sort of emotional involvement should be possible. But there’s no doubt that this will entertain as many people as it will irritate.

Sucker Punch is now showing at a multiplex near you. Further details of the film can be found at Screenjabber

The Usual Sausages

2011-03-27T23:52:00.004+01:00

Today was my nephew's 7th birthday and he wanted sausages for lunch. Luckily, there's a pub that does sausages for lunch. Unluckily for him, they don't do them on a weekend so we had a roast instead.

He got a great card from his Mum and Dad with a picture of a load of sausages in a police line-up and the title The Usual Sausages. It was obviously a parody of The Usual Suspects and starred Chip Latta, Brad Wurst and, well, you get the idea. The 'film' was rated 18 for scenes of an extremely sausagey nature. Brilliant.

Sadly, I can't find an image of that to share with you so I've used a picture from a card by Edward Monkton, who does lovely cards that you should buy. I hope me saying that will assuage* my guilt for stealing it.

* 'assuage' is an anagram of 'sausage'

An almighty row

2011-03-26T22:40:00.003Z

This year was the 157th race between Oxford and Cambridge. I lived in Twickenham and Richmond for eight years and now I've lived in East Sheen for two and a half years. During both periods I've been less than three miles from where the Varsity boat race passes.

I've still never been to watch it.

Subtitles and subtleties

2011-03-25T12:33:00.001Z

Like it or not, the film world is dominated by the English language. The moneymakers of Hollywood have ensured that. While this is all well and good - why would you make films that don't make money? It's hardly much of a business model - there is always room for foreign language films. Even the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences agrees and have done since 1947 when they introduced the Best Foreign Language Film category.

I really like foreign language films and I think I've figured out why.

1. Only the best foreign films get a release outside their country of origin
I suppose this is pretty obvious when you think about it but it took me a while to realise it.

2. I see so many films that are average or worse that when I do see a foreign one, it's almost certain to be better (see 1.)
Of course, 'better' is entirely subjective but usually they're more original, more intelligent (I can't pretend to be a genius - see 1. again - but I do appreciate a modicum of intelligence, although that can come in many forms) and as making money isn't perhaps the driving force behind the film having been made in the first place, there's often a lot more subtlety and soul to it.

3. There's never any bad acting. Ever
I'm not sure I understand why this one is true, but I'm going to have stab at it. Watching something in a language I don't understand seems to make the actors better precisely because I don't understand what they're saying. Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does. Maybe we're just back to point 1 - the films we get to see simply have better actors.

One thing I do understand is that some people don't have the patience for watching films with subtitles. It takes concentration and sometimes you just want to see something you don't have to think too much about, never mind wrestle with reading as well as watching. I've only just watched 35 Shots of Rum, which has been on my shelf for about two months because a) I haven't been in the mood for it and b) I fairly recently saw White Material by the same director, Claire Denis, and was somewhat underwhelmed by it. I enjoyed this one a lot more but despite the praise heaped on it by critics I wasn't exactly wowed by it. So much for point 1!

I've certainly seen better foreign films over the last couple of years and here's 10 I can heartily recommend.

Let The Right One In (Sweden)

Red Cliff (China)

Katalin Varga (Romania/Hungary)

The First Day of the Rest of your Life (France)

Sin Nombre (Mexico/Honduras)

A Town Called Panic (Belgium)

A Prophet (France)

The Secret in Their Eyes (Argentina)

MicMacs (France)

Mother (Korea)

Days Of Yore

2011-03-24T20:20:00.004Z

This post could just have easily been titled 'Days Gone Bye' or 'Yesteryear' or 'Ye Olden Dayes'. Because today I'm going to stun you. Shock you into open-mouthedness. I'm going to gast your flabber. Really. Well, unless you've already seen it.

I'm sure we all know that there are a lot very odd people out there. Hell, for all you know I could be one of them. Actually, I am one of them but this isn't the time or the place to go into that. I suppose we always knew this - the strange kid at school, the man on the news who 'kept himself to himself' and it ends being revealed he's been collecting dead cats for years while kidnapping children. The thing is, the internet has just brought all this oddness together in one easily accessible place so now it feels like the weirdies are EVERYWHERE.

What I didn't really stop to consider was that maybe there were before now, or in the recent past (by which I mean since the 1970s, when I was born, and before which life is meaningless; for me at any rate). Yes, as you can tell by the photos in this top of this post, weirdness has been going on since the dawn of cameras. Or maybe this wasn't considered peculiar back then. Times do change and one man's odd is another man's normal. But even so, some of the pictures in the collection I've linked to below are downright bizarre. Even taking into account that some of them must be artistic ventures, it's still hard to understand the effect some of the situations are trying to achieve. Shock? Awe? Eroticism?

Anyway, I've said more than enough. After all, pictures speak a thousands words. In this case a thousand very odd words.

50 unexplainable black and white photos

Ad nauseam

2011-03-23T22:07:00.004Z

For some reason, a jingle came in to my head this evening while I was making myself some cheese on toast. Annoyingly, I can't remember what it was now but it was from my youth and I think it was a TV ad. It got me thinking about other memorable ads or taglines. These are the ones that sprung to mind.

"Opal Fruits, made to make your mouth water!"
I loved this one. And now they're called Starburst. Why? I have no idea but I feel like blaming the Americans. It was their fault Marathon became Snickers wasn't it?

"Hands that do dishes can be as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid"
The idea they're peddling - that doing the washing up is basically a practical way to moisturise your hands - is brilliant, if flawed. Either I'm not using the right flavour or they've changed the formula because whenever I do the washing up (which is virtually every day) I get wrinkly fingers and feel the need to whack a load of moisturising cream on them.

"If anyone can, Canon can"
Are Canon still making photocopiers? I think that's what that ad was about. They still make good cameras, that's for sure.

"Frosties. They're grrrrrrrreat!"
That's a bit rubbish really isn't it? And why was the tiger called Tony? What a terrible name for a magnificent creature. Even if he was a cartoon, give him some character. (With apologies to anyone called Tony.)

"Ahh, Bisto!"
Another frankly average tagline but hey, it clearly worked on me. Do they even advertise gravy any more? As you can probably tell, I no longer watch much telly.

After all that I still can't recall the one that originally got me onto this train of thought. Maybe you, yes you, dear reader, can help. What ads were the most memorable for you as a child? Or an adult, for that matter. Stick a comment in the box and maybe one of them will be the one I can't think of. Ooh, you should never end a sentence with 'of'. Oops, I did it again. Oh well.

At home to Mr Cock-up

2011-03-22T21:36:00.003Z

When did you last do something really badly? I'm not looking to put you down or unleash a tidal wave (too soon?) of schadenfreude on you, I'm asking because the last time I did something really, noticeably badly was today.

As you may know by reading my recent blog posts (and if you've stuck with me for each of the last 14 days, well done, I salute your staying power), sometimes my job involves making short films. I wrote my previous effort myself and therefore delivering it to camera was made easier by the fact that a) I could say what I wanted and b) I could use a series of edits to ensure I didn't have too many long lines to remember. Today, the script was not written by me, was on a subject I barely understood and there was no room for comedy (always the first refuge of a nervous presenter. Well, in my case, anyway).

I am, I have been told, a patient person. But where I lack patience is with myself. After 10, 15, 25 (?) takes of getting several lines wrong, I began to get very frustrated. Most of the things I do on a day to day basis I do fairly well so it's probably no surprise that when trying something I rarely if ever do I find it kind of tricky. But precisely because I'm used to doing things well, doing things badly is extremely irritating.

These are the things that I found were preventing me from getting it right.

1. I kept forgetting my lines.
2. The sentence was long and/or complex, making it difficult to remember.
3. People kept walking past the room I was in, thus putting me off.
4. Halfway through a section I would realise I had blinked, or not blinked, or looked at the camera funny.
5. I had three hours to get it all done and this thought was adding extra pressure to an already pressurised situation.
6. I kept forgetting my lines.

After a while, my brain would switch off enough for me to say what I needed to say automatically but then switch back on again just in time for me to blink and muck it up again. Once in a while I'd have a moment of clarity and it would all come out perfectly but those moments were few and far between.

So what did I learn from today's cock-up extravaganza?

1. Learning your lines is beyond helpful, it's essential.
2. Getting something wrong repeatedly is exhausting.
3. News reporters who do live links are quite brilliant. As indeed is anyone who has to learn lines quickly.
4. I shouldn't expect to master a skill in a day; it's arrogant and ultimately embarrassing.

Luckily, I was working with a fantastically patient cameraman who will also edit the output into something approaching a usable and useful film (I hope).

So it seems today's post has been something of a therapy session for me, by me. Don't worry, next time we'll talk about you. In fact, let's do it now. What about you? What do you think of me?

There is no need to scream and shout

2011-03-21T21:36:00.003Z

A few years ago my old flatmate Garry quoted a line from a sitcom in an attempt to get me to watch it. The vast majority of sitcoms are rubbish so I was hesitant but the dialogue really appealed to my sense of wordplay.

"Well, you know that they say - no man is an island."

"What about the Isle of Man?"

And so began my love of Not Going Out, a comedy vehicle for and written by Lee Mack. It often comes across like a stand-up performance with a bit of plot thrown in seemingly at the last minute but with such a high gag rate it's far funnier (and in some ways more old-fashioned) than almost everything else on television.

The most recent series didn't quite live up to my high expectations as you can read in my review on Screenjabber but it's still pretty good in places. This is my way of saying I didn't have anything much to write about today or perhaps it's precisely because I spent the time writing that review that I don't have anything to say. Anyway, to remind myself of the better times, here's the clip that got me into it in the first place.

Ask Andrey

2011-03-20T11:51:00.004Z

I may have heard of him before the 2008 European Football Championship Finals but it was during that tournament that I saw Andrey Arshavin play more than once. He looked to be exceptional and there was talk of a Premier League club coming in for him over the summer. I was hopeful this club might be Arsenal but also wary that players who shine in big tournaments are rarely much good when they move to British clubs (John Jensen, Karel Poborsky anyone?)

But when Arsenal did sign him in February 2009 he made a decent impact for the remainder of the season, memorably scoring four against Liverpool in a 4-4 draw. And despite some lapses in form, he's still banging them in for the Gunners, with a goal and an assist in yesterday's otherwise disappointing 2-2 draw with West Brom.

However, I'm not here to talk about football. I'm here to talk about Andrey. You may have seen his name as 'Andrei' but I'm going with his official website which uses the 'y'. The Arsenal podcast used to be hosted by Alan Davies (QI, Jonathan Creek) and he would occasionally read extracts from Arshavin's website on which he has a section called 'Ask Andrey'. Fans write in with questions and Andrey responds. Intentionally or not (and generally I suspect not) his replies are amusing. This is partly to do with the fact that his English isn't perfect and partly down to the downright odd questions he gets asked.

Before I give some examples, I'd like to state for the record that this isn't an exercise in laughing at Johnny Foreigner because he can't speak the English language proper. I can't speak any other languages and full respect to anyone who has a go but I can't help it if certain turns of phrase amuse me. So, in the first example I heard read out by Alan Davies, Andrey was injured and had been asked when he was likely to be fit again. His reply was something along the lines of, "Very soon. I heal like dog."

Currently on the website are the following corkers.

Hey Andrey .... This is Jehan here from India. I want to ask you what is the best way to meet you personally in London ??
What’s the purpose of your question?

I love the idea that Andrey is entering into a conversation with Jehan from India to better understand the reason for asking the question. As far as I can see on the website Jehan did not reply. Maybe he got scared.

Andrey, was Windows 7 your idea?
Unfortunately, no.

Clearly a joke question, Andrey, bless 'im, must be oblivious to the ad campaign in which it is implied that Windows 7 is everyone's idea. Or maybe I'm not doing him enough credit, in which case, genius answer.

When you where 13 was you fast?
Yes, and even when I was 7. Fast as a lightning.

It never ceases to amaze me how a single letter can show in an instant that you're not English.

And finally, my favourite one of all.

Andrey, are you frightened of bears?
On the contrary, I like bears.

First of all, what kind of a question is that? Secondly, Andrey's answer misses the point that you could like bears and still be frightened of them. I love seeing sharks on film but that doesn't mean I'm not scared of them. But actually, it's the use of the phrase 'on the contrary' that really pleases me. I'm still not sure why but there's something unusual about it that makes me smile.

You too can 'Ask Andrey' at Arshavin's official website.

Film of the week - Submarine

2011-03-19T14:44:00.004Z

Richard Ayoade is not exactly a household name. In fact, if you've never seen Channel 4 sitcom The IT Crowd or Garth Marenghi's Darkplace it's possible you've never clapped eyes on him at all. That's partly because he's also spent a bit of time behind the camera, directing pop music videos for Arctic Monkeys, Vampire Weekend and Kasabian amongst others.

Submarine marks his feature film debut as director and such was the buzz at the London Film Festival 2010 that the sole screening quickly sold out and prompted me to take a day off this week just so that I could go and see a press screening before it was released to the public. Describing himself as "inconsolable" in his general outlook on life and his humour dry, I was hoping for a subtle, funny and possibly touching drama from Ayoade. I wasn't disappointed. Based on the novel of the same name by Joe Dunthorne, Submarine is the story of teenager Oliver Tate (played brilliantly by newcomer Craig Roberts) and his attempts to woo school crush Jordana Bevan (Yasmin Paige). Meanwhile, his parents' marriage struggles to remain intact as his mother's first love reappears on the scene.

In some ways this is a fairly typical coming-of-age drama but as is often the way, it's the details that set this apart. The film is split into four parts, each with its own inter title and accompanying overly dramatic music, perfectly in keeping with Oliver's overly dramatic take on life. As with many teenagers, he feels that every moment is of critical importance to his life and nothing his straight-laced parents say to the contrary can dissuade him. Despite his assertions that he is sophisticated, he's largely ridiculed at school and his courting of Jordana is better at the peripherals ("Jordana isn't romantic so I took her to one of my favourite industrial estates") than the cut and, ahem, thrust of bedroom seduction.

Oliver's parents are played by Sally Hawkins and Noah Taylor. Both characters are intelligent, quiet and sexually repressed so the introduction of swaggering motivational speaker (or "mystic ninja" as Oliver calls him) Graham (Paddy Considine) turns all of their lives if not upside down then certainly to something of a jaunty angle. Considine is hilarious and I don't just mean his mullet, while Hawkins and Taylor are wonderfully understated, which means that their deadpan delivery adds an extra dimension to the already excellent script.

Having not read the source material, it's hard to know how much of the dialogue is from the book but either way for me it's the writing that makes this so enjoyable. The characters are well formed - Oliver is only intermittently sympathetic, if at all - the plot ticks over steadily enough to maintain interest but it's the frequent laugh out loud moments that stayed with me. It's not exactly groundbreaking but it's intelligently put together by Ayoade, beautifully played by all and the south Wales scenery is a lot more cinematic than I would have guessed.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2011-03-18T23:03:00.003Z

I have to apologise in advance to anyone who a) looked at facebook today or b) is hoping for something a bit more interesting from a writing perspective but a) it is late and b) I thought I'd have more time to construct something noteworthy today.

But that's the way it is and so you're left with photo of me from this morning. For those of you who have never seen me with hair before it's probably a bit of a shock. And maybe if you have, it still is. Certainly people at work struggled with the concept. "Disturbing", "No comment" and a shake of the head were three fairly typical responses. But whatever. It was all part of the fun of Red Nose Day and my chocolate brownies made some money so that was something. One guy wore a dress and pledged to sing in front of the company if more than £1000 was raised and to his amazement it was so he sang 'Simply The Best' really badly at the end of the day. It was painful but brilliant.

Anyway, I promise not to wear a wig again until absolutely necessary.

The flies have it

2011-03-17T22:59:00.004Z

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman walk into a pub. They all order a pint of Guinness but a fly lands in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushes his glass away and asks for another one.

The Scotsman takes the fly out, shrugs, and drinks his pint.

The Irishman pinches the fly between his fingers and yells, "You little thief! Spit it out, spit it out!"

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Regulators!

2011-03-16T21:28:00.002Z

"Nate Dogg died."

"Did he?"

"No, Doggy."

Nathanial Dwayne Hale, 1969-2011

Gala! Celebrity! World! Premiere!

2011-03-15T22:05:00.003Z

YES!

Tonight I went to the gala celebrity world premiere of Anuvahood, a British comedy set in the mean streets of West London, innit blud. I went to a press screening of the film this afternoon in preparation for this gala celebrity world premiere event, hoping to god it was good so I could wax lyrical with the stars.

It wasn't good. It wasn't even average. It was terrible. So it was with heavy heart that I set off to the Empire cinema in London's Leicester Square to talk to the people involved with making the film. In the end, I congratulated Adam Deacon, the film's star, writer and director because frankly, getting a film at all made is bloody difficult so fair play to him. You should also take into account that I'm white, middle-class and 38 years of age, while the target audience of the film is very probably not that. I was going to say the opposite but if someone can come up with a polar opposite of 38 years old I'll give them a prize.

Anyway, it was kind of fun watching people watching semi-famous people while other people took photos and shot video so I'm glad I went. After all, it's not every day you get to go to a gala celebrity world premiere.

Anuvahood world premiere blogpost
Photos from the evening (with apologies to the people I didn't recognise)

Bloopers

2011-03-14T21:25:00.002Z

As a kid I used to love nothing more than It'll be Alright on the Night, presented by Denis Norden. Once a year or so the best cock-ups from film and television found their way onto Norden's clipboard and he chuckled his way through an hour of gaffes, usually beginning with the phrase, "If you're one of those people..." and followed by a news reporter swearing at an annoying passer-by or John Fashanu falling backwards over a wall.

There's something wonderfully pure about outtakes. Brilliantly written comedy is sublime but however good it is, you know it's not real. Bloopers on the other hand are the ultimate in natural comedy. The laughter inherent and created is incredibly infectious and while I agree it plays a part, I'm not convinced that schadenfreude is the main reason people like it so much. Maybe it's the frustration that we've all felt at one time or another. Maybe it's the switch from professionalism to profanity in an instant. Or maybe it's just the recognition that we all make mistakes, and however good the presenter or actor is, in the end we're all fallible.

I've discovered the joy of bloopers first hand recently while making a video for work. You might want to watch that, as well as those of my brilliant colleagues Dennis and Steve but in the end you'll probably be far more interested to watch our outtakes. So here they are.

How not to communicate from Justin Bateman on Vimeo.

Somnambulism II: The Sequel

2011-03-13T23:01:00.004Z

As I sat down to write today's blog post it suddenly occurred to me that I'd written about sleepwalking before. I checked the archive and lo and behold, I was right. Back in May 2006 I'd penned 'Somnambulism'. I thought it would be about The Time I Woke Up In A Hotel Lift In Madrid Wearing Only My Underpants. But it was about something a lot less interesting. I'll come back to the pants story shortly because I know you're interested but for now I'm going to talk about sleep in general.

So, yeah. Sleep. Isn't it weird? The brain shuts down, but not completely. The body shuts down, but not completely. Time stands still but also passes almost instantaneously. And yet despite this state of unconsciousness, we still do things involuntarily: move, talk, walk and a lot more besides. In the 1919 Expressionist classic film The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, a somnambulist is hypnotised into carrying out murders. There have been several real life cases of people being accused of murder while apparently sleepwalking, some of whom were acquitted so it's by no means total fantasy.

When I was young, a neighbour was found by his parents asleep on the garage roof, having climbed out of their bathroom window. If I remember correctly, he had explained it by saying he had dreamt that night that he was a cat. While this is a nice story, it's not backed up by the science which suggests that sleepwalking actually occurs during the deepest part of sleep and not during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when dreaming tends to happen.

I certainly have no recollection of dreaming anything prior to waking up on That Fateful Night in Madrid. I was there on a stag weekend and I remember most of the evening (well, not now I don't but I didthe next day), at least up until we went to what I recall as 'Larios gin bar'. I remember having a gin and tonic or two, dancing on the stage and the next thing I knew I was opening to my eyes to see two people leave the lift. That I was in a lift at all was a bit of a surprise. That I was standing there wearing only my grey Marks & Spencer underpants was bewildering to say the least and not a little embarassing.

Luckily, I quickly realised where I was and also remembered the floor I was staying on, as well as the labyrinthine route back to my room. Unsurprisingly, the door was locked so I knocked to wake up my roommate, Garry. Several knocks and shouts later there was still no answer. I turned to look down the corridor and saw another member of the stag party walking towards me.

"Hello. You're up late," I said, brilliant as ever.

"Why are you in your pants?" he replied, not unreasonably.

"Locked out. Can I sleep in your room?"

"Sure."

Except he didn't have his key. We looked at each other and waited for inspiration. Unbelievably, it came almost instantly. A man in a suit, who I'm guessing was the night porter, arrived on the scene and without saying a word, opened first mine, then my fellow locked outee's door before disappearing back down the corridor.

I think the moral of this story is too much gin is bad for you. Let's hope I take heed of this when I return to Madrid for a stag do in three weeks' time. But before then, I'm off to sleep, perhance to rest - and nothing else.

Singular or plural?

2011-03-12T18:05:00.000Z

You decide...

Film of the week: Fair Game

2011-03-11T12:58:00.002Z

To be fair (ho ho), I've only seen one other new film released in the UK this week and that's the execrable Hall Pass. Not to confused with the woeful Cindy Crawford/William Baldwin film of the same name, this is nevertheless a decent political thriller. And Sean Penn is always worth watching.

Read my review of Fair Game at screenjabber.com

The Cook, Her Husband, The Accused and His Tracker

2011-03-10T23:14:00.005Z

Temuera Morrison, Ian Sharp, Sue Cook and Ray Winstone at the Toronto Film Festival last year

In my occasional role as film reviewer, this evening I got a spot at a preview screening of a film called Tracker. Set in 1903, it stars Ray Winstone as a South African who, after the Boer War, travels to New Zealand to find a new home, his own having been taken away by the British. He's a tracker by trade and is soon under the employ of Major Carlisle of the British army when a Maori played by Temuera Morrison is accused of killing a British soldier.

What follows is a sort of period drama chase film which is an unusual combination but thanks to strong performances by the leads and the stunning New Zealand vistas, it's an enjoyable ride. Winstone, well known for his East End roots and accompanying accent, pulls off the Saffa twang with gruff aplomb, while Morrison is by turns amusing and sympathetic as the man on the run.

We got this opportunity to view thanks to Screenjabber Stuart's connections and afterwards we met the director Ian Sharp (who I've just researched and discovered he directed Who Dares Wins, not to mention Minder and The Professionals back in the day AND parts of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Goldeneye. How about that?!). Ian, who has already agreed to join us in a special podcast to talk about the film, told us that he'd listened to our "show" and thoroughly enjoyed it. He said our enthusiasm for film shone through (true enough) and that we clearly all knew what we were talking about (well, one out of two's not bad). It's not often we get any feedback on the podcast at all so to get such high praise from a man who used to work with John Peel on radio, well, it fair made my day.

We also met his wife Sue Cook who executive produced the film. She looked familiar and sounded familiar and I've only just realised is the Sue Cook who presented Crimewatch for all those years with Nick Ross. Like Ian, she was lovely too so thumbs aloft to British TV and film legends.

Tracker opens in the UK on Friday 29 April 2011. Although as Ian said, apparently there's something else going on that day as well.

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T23:41:00.003Z

As I said back in 2006, I am not, nor have I ever been, a religious person. And while I'm still not an angel, I still don't really feel as though there's anything I should give up for Lent, even if it's just as a challenge to myself. So this year I'm doing something more positive and will be posting something on this blog every day until Easter.

I've been very neglectful of writing lately and so in a sense I'm giving up not writing my blog for Lent. That's a bit of a double negative but it's late, I'm tired and if you can't follow that you don't deserve to understand me. Wow, grouchy already! Awesome. I can't promise long posts every day but I am promising to post something, even if it's just a few words. Maybe it will inspire me to get back on the writing horse. (There is, as far as I know, no actual writing horse; that was a metaphor. But if there is one I'd like to meet it.)

With just minutes to spare I'm going to sign off and hope that the subsequent days will be slightly more thrilling than this introduction. Until tomorrow, adios amigos...

PS That was the best ash photo I could find. That's the kind of ash they were referring to when they named the day, right?

2011 calendar

2011-01-31T21:37:00.003Z

For the last two years I've put together a collection of photos for the purposes of making a calendar for friends and family. I'm no expert and my camera, although excellent, is very much of the point and shoot variety. However, it's a good way to see what I've been aiming at all year.

I made a final longlist of 21 photos and chose 13 (including a cover) from that. So even if you weren't one of the chosen ones to get a printed version, you can enjoy them by clicking here. I'd be interested to know your favourite - I wonder if any of your selections didn't make it into my 2011 calendar.

A graceful bird

2011-01-17T21:33:00.004Z

Do you like ballet? I can't say I do. Then again, I've never seen a full performance so maybe I shouldn't be making judgements. But I have seen other dance performances and they generally leave me cold. It's all so forced isn't it? And where are the jokes?! Anything that takes itself that seriously ALL THE TIME, well, life's too short.

Anyhoo. I went along to see Black Swan at the London Film Festival hopeful because a) it's directed by Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, Requiem for a Dream) b) there was some very good pre-festival buzz about it and c) it was bound to be more interesting than an actual ballet performance. In fairness, Aronofsky isn't exactly renowned for jokes and fun but the idea of Natalie Portman being in a good film again (I love Léon and V for Vendetta but the Star Wars prequels are hard to get over) was enough to make me interested.

The plot of the film is fairly straightforward. Nina (Portman) is a top ballet dancer and there's a new production of Swan Lake about to begin. Auditions are held for the lead role which requires by turns the innocence of the White Swan and the sensuality of the Black Swan. Nina is perfect for the former but the director (Vincent Cassell) isn't sure she has the darker side in her. Meanwhile, new girl Lily (Mila Kunis) has all the attributes to play the Black Swan and so Nina has competition, as well as a new friend. Or does she?

One of the most striking things about Black Swan (and there are many) is that it's hard to know what's real and what's imagined. It's not so confusing as to make it nonsensical, quite the reverse, but amongst the drama of an uptight perfectionist trying to unlock a side of her that is repressed, both by herself and her domineering mother (a wonderful turn by Barbara Hershey), there are enough uncertain moments to make this a tense and unsettling thriller. It's not what you might expect from a film ostensibly about ballet but it is a terrific bit of filmmaking. Portman is fantastic (she's just won a Golden Globe for this performance and an Oscar is surely on the cards), Kunis is a lot more than just sexy, Cassell is, as ever, brilliant and Winona Ryder is also great in a pivotal cameo.

It's a dark, dark journey but it's also gripping and intriguing and has a tremendously atmospheric score by Clint Mansell. I came out of the screening of Black Swan with my heart racing and my head spinning. Along with last week's 127 Hours, this is another assault on the senses and not for the faint of heart. But it is brilliant, trust me.

Other blogs are available

2011-01-11T22:06:00.003Z

Here I am, doing my best to maintain one of my new year's resolutions and write more often on here (I know you both appreciate it) and what happens? I'm getting roundly spanked in the blogging department by other people. I know, it's not a competition but honestly, some people just can't help themselves from doing loads of great stuff can they?

So, today's post is essentially a short ad to promote two other blogs. The first is New Trash Radio. It's the latest in a succession of creative projects from a chap called Graham. I've never actually met Graham - we became acquainted via a mutual friend - but he's a very talented photographer, designer and, although he won't admit it, writer too. His most recent venture began on January 1 this year and he has written a story which he will tell by using a combination of words and images. Or rather, words in images. It's very clever anyway. Start reading the story here.

The second blog I recommend you sign up for is one by m'colleague and friend Cate. She's called it 'Around the reel in 365 days' and it's the journey of her plan to watch a film she hasn't seen before every day this year. Cate explains why here. I suggested it was going to be quite a challenge to keep it going but she assured me that a) she already watched a lot of films so it wouldn't be much different and that b) she's very stubborn - she once went vegan for 40 days just to win a £10 bet.

So there you have it. Even more fun and interesting stuff to read when you're avoiding doing any work. Happy readings!

PS Today's image has been chosen especially for Stevie V. If only we were allowed to use such wonderful pictures at work eh?

Between a rock and a hard place

2011-01-10T21:54:00.003Z

I'm going to try something new. Every week, I'll recommend a film. As far as possible it will be something released that week, either at the cinemas or on DVD, but if there's nothing I like or have seen, I'll pick something from my list of favourites. You're excited already aren't you? I knew it!

This week it's one of my favourite films of 2011. Now, I know what you're thinking. He means 'so far'. No. No I don't. I mean the entire year. That's how confident I am that this will be in my top 10 at the end of the year. That's how good it is. So what is it?

Well, it's 127 Hours and it's based on a true story about a man who went climbing in a canyon in Utah, USA, and fell down a crevasse, whereupon a boulder fell on him, crushing his arm against the wall of the canyon after which he stayed there for five days before finally cutting his own arm off in order to save his rapidly diminishing lifeforce. Now. If you think I've just given away the entire plot, you'd be right. But if you think I've just spoilt the film for you, you'd be entirely wrong.

For a start, this was all over the news back in 2003 and the guy in question, Aron Ralston, wrote a book about this experience. Incidentally, it was called Between a Rock and a Hard Place which I can't help thinking is a far better title than the film's. Anyway. The more important point here is that knowing what happens and how it ends actually makes watching the film all the more gripping, poignant and, dare I say it, enjoyable. Because clearly this isn't a film that's enjoyable in the same way that, say, Singin' in the Rain is enjoyable. But nevertheless it's superbly directed by Danny Boyle and boasts a fantastic performance from James Franco who at the very least deserves an Oscar nomination.

For those of you worried about the amputation scene, yes, it's painful (though more for him than us) but it's not gory. Or at least not for long. If you can cope with Casualty or a documentary about open heart surgery, you can cope with this. But it's not really about the act itself. This is a surprisingly uplifting film about someone who learnt a very hard lesson and for something set almost entirely in one place, it's astonishingly varied and wonderfully visual, a true cinematic treat.

But don't take my word for it. Read this review. The guy who wrote it seems to know what he's talking about.

The Big Sleep revisited

2011-01-06T21:49:00.005Z

Almost exactly seventeen years ago I was trying to find a suitable topic for my dissertation. I was on a CAMS course at the University of Derby studying creative writing and film studies. CAMS stood for Credit Accumulation Modular Scheme (I think) but as most people there had arsed up their A-levels to get there (it was the none too sexy Derbyshire College of Higher Education when I bumbled my way in) we joked that CAMS stood for Crap At Most Subjects.

I wasn't exactly crap but I certainly wasn't much good at exams. Or revising. Or both. Either way, CAMS was perfect for me as it was 100% coursework. Yes, I know that's anathema to some people but hey, them's the rules. Anyway, a decent chunk of my final mark was taken up by this dissertation so I had to make sure that a) I wanted to write about it and b) I could produce something decent.

Having seen some truly classic films on the course and also trying my hand at writing in all its forms (yes, even poetry - don't make me get it out), I was fascinated by the novel to screenplay journey and had homed in on Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep, which later became Howard Hawks' The Big Sleep. I loved the book, a hard-boiled thriller about murder and pornography in LA, and I loved the film, a dark and smoky black and white classic with some sizzling banter between Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. So it was obvious: write a study of the transformation of novel into film script. Right?

Wrong. Having had no direct experience of doing this myself and there being nothing remotely substantial enough in the Mickleover campus library to get me up to my required word count without one hell of a lot of padding, I had to reconsider. A few books later and I concluded that a broad brush approach to the film would be the best bet. Here are my chapter titles.

1. A background to The Big Sleep
2. The Big Sleep - a classical Hollywood narrative with classical Hollywood narration?
3. The Big Sleep - the ultimate film noir?
4. The effects of the Bogart-Bacall relationship and the roles of male and female characters in The Big Sleep
5. Conclusions to the study

Despite my initial plans, the chapter that interested me the most was the third. It's virtually impossible to talk about film without pigeonholing it in a genre. Most of the time, this is just fine and helps audiences decide what to watch. Occasionally though, films subvert these convenient labels in really interesting ways. Brick (2005), a film by Rian Johnson and starring Joseph Gordon Levitt, looks on the surface like a high school love story with a drug deal thrown in. But in many ways it's more film noir than The Big Sleep.

Because there are so many well-established genres now, it's hard to imagine a time when films simply existed as films. But despite the avalanche of films predominantly made in the 1940s with a similar themes (murder, detection, blackmail, literal and metaphorical (even metaphysical) gloom, the term film noir was coined in 1946 (the year The Big Sleep was released) but only came into regular circulation in the late 1960s. Being superficially like other films of the period (Double Indemnity and Murder My Sweet to name but two) and starring Bogie who appeared as Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon (1941), it's an obvious conclusion to make.

However, while dark and moody to an extent, The Big Sleep fails to meet all the criteria which exemplify the noir genre. From my dissertation:

"As there was in German expressionist films, the classic film noir has stark, angular sets, dramatic camera angles and sharply contrasted lighting. This last element, also known as visual chiaroscuro, is difficult to avoid when using black and white film but even so, The Big Sleep does not indicate extensive use of any of these features."

Historically, noir films also include a flashback structure, a voice over narration, a femme fatale, a vulnerable male protagonist and most notably, a downbeat ending. The Big Sleep has a linear narrative, no voice over, no femme fatale - Bacall's Vivian may be sharp-tongued and beautiful but she's by no means deadly, absolute certainty and control from Bogart's invulnerable Philip Marlowe, and, without giving anything away, nothing like the downbeat ending of many of its contemporaries.

The important thing to take from this is not that The Big Sleep is a poor film - quite the opposite - just that pigeonholing can be misleading and that people can get things wrong. In the end it doesn't really matter; films are made to be enjoyed or appreciated, not simply categorised. But, having done the research and written about it all those years ago, I must say it was gratifying to read the Observer film critic, the estimable Philip French, say precisely the same things in his review this week.

The BFI have just re-released a new print of The Big Sleep and last night I went to see it again. if anything, it's even better than I remember it. The script absolutely crackles and is laugh-out-loud funny and as I recall a lot of them are directly plucked from Chandler's source material. "She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up," says Bogart's Marlowe of a young girl he's just met.

Also hilarious is the portrayal of women throughout the film. Only Agnes (Sonia Darrin) doesn't fall for Marlowe's charms but everyone else, from the waitresses at Eddie Mars' gambling house to Vivian's sister Carmen (Martha Vickers) to the blonde librarian to the gorgeous Dorothy Malone's unfeasibly flirty bookshop assistant, wants a piece of Bogart. Maybe this was why I wanted to be a private detective when I left uni.

Although some of the deaths are terribly hammy by today's acting standards - one guy literally goes down in installments - there's a decent plot, a couple of terrific performances from Bogie and Bacall and it looks pretty damn cool. It may not be classic film noir but there's no doubt that it's a classic film.

Check the BFI website to see where it's showing around the UK this year.

And then I woke up

2011-01-03T08:55:00.004Z

On New Year's Eve I had a few friends round for food and drinks. Keen to make sure everyone had enough to eat I over-catered and it ended up being a five-course meal. That sounds more impressive than it actually was - which is precisely why I phrased it like that.

But anyway, one of those courses was cheese and biscuits. After a medium-sized early evening meal last night I started getting peckish around 10pm. What better way, I thought to myself, than to start making my way through the cheese mountain. I texted one of the guests from my bijou soirée to let him know what I was doing and that it was his fault there was so much left. He replied with "Stop! Bad dreams".

Well, what nonsense, I thought as I tucked into some brie and edam (which incidentally, is the only cheese which is made backwards*, did you know that?). I've heard it before but it's just an old wives' tale isn't it? I mean, cheese isn't hallucinogenic is it?

So a couple of hours later I went to bed, all snacked up and ready to sleep. I soon nodded off and I'll tell you what happened: I didn't have one bad dream.

I had three!

In the first one, I was on some sort of holiday camp on a river (a bit like in the original Piranha film from 1978) but there was a shark TERRORISING the campers and there were a lot of people being pulled out of the water at the last minute type situations. That was pretty scary.

In the second, I was walking with a friend who was walking a dog. I'm not very good with dog brands but it looked like a mastiff or a rottweiler - something big, black, drooling and aggressive anyway. Not once but twice it jumped up at me and bit my hand. The first time I managed to escape but the next time I could hear the dog's teeth pop through the skin on my hand. Sorry, that was a bit graphic wasn't it? Anyway, I was desperately trying to fight it off when I woke up.

I got back to sleep and this time I'm not sure what was happening except that I could smell burning. It was only much later that I followed my nose and went into my flatmate's bedroom to find it full of smoke and the window open, apparently blown out by an explosion.

So there you have it. Scientific** proof that cheese gives you bad dreams. Or more specifically, it gives me bad dreams.

Enjoy cheese responsibly.

* This is a joke I learnt when I was about seven. I still love it. The joke I mean. The cheese isn't bad either.
** I got a C for GCSE chemistry, if that helps.

Spam

2011-01-02T00:08:00.002Z

We all get email spam; it's a fact of modern life. I understand the point of it - to advertise. It's almost always for prescription drugs or penis enlargement, er, tools, or SEXYSINGLEZ.com or the like. Or at least mine is. Maybe they know more about me than I realise.

Occasionally though I get an email that has no apparent value to anyone. Today one such example came in. It was apparently from Harriet Willa (I don't know any Harriets) and the title of the message was 'y5mr6'. Now, does that look like anything to you? You know how sometimes they 'disguise' certain words to get through the spam filters, like 'p3n1s' or 'w0rk'. Obviously intrigued, I opened the email to see this:

4

That was it. The entire contents of the message was a single character, the number four. What on earth is the point of that? Which website am I supposedly being tempted into visiting? What product or service will I no longer be able to restrain myself from buying? What does it mean?!

I'd love to imgaine that there's some sort of Enigma-style code to be broken, but frankly it's more likely to be an automatically generated email to discern whether my address exists. Well, it does. So now, I'm going to reply and see what happens. I'll bet you're on tenterhooks.

A kimchee* western and Quentin Tarantino

2010-12-30T21:57:00.005Z

Last night I watched The Good, The Bad, The Weird. Even if the title of this film isn't familiar to you, you'll probably notice it's not dissimilar to Sergio Leone's classic western, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. For good reason, because The Good, The Bad, The Weird is a loose reworking of the 1966 film, albeit one set in 1930s China and made by a Korean director (Ji-woon Kim) and Korean cast.

The plot is relatively simple. A Japanese bank official is due to travel by train and is carrying with him a map, supposedly with directions to great treasures. A hitman (the Bad) is hired to hijack the train and secure the map for a reward. However, a thief (the Weird) is already on board and escapes with the map before the Bad can get to it. Meanwhile, a bounty hunter (the Good) is after the Weird for the price on his head. And so the chase begins.

Just as Leone's 'spaghetti' westerns (so-called because he is Italian and the amount of blood shed in these movies) revitalised the genre back in the sixties, Ji-won Kim has done away with all the seriousness of that era to provide a shot in the arm for the western. Although still violent and bloodthirsty, The Good, The Bad, The Weird is just the sort of action-packed thrill ride you might expect from Quentin Tarantino.

There's plenty of humour, some smart-alec dialogue (although nothing like as much as QT likes to use), tons of comic book-style violence and some truly imaginative and spectacular set pieces involving martial arts, hand-to-hand combat and physical stunts, all of which are far more fun to watch than someone with a rocket launcher blowing shit up (I've only seen the trailer but nevertheless I'm looking at you, big screen version of The A-Team).

Perhaps because I'd recently discovered that as of 2002 Tarantino's favourite film of all time was in fact The Good, the Bad and the Ugly it suddenly occurred to me that sooner or later he will write and direct a western. The genre seems made for his quickfire, witty scripts, stylised violence, male-orientated environments and Mexican stand-offs (Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Inglorious Basterds - there are probably others).

I'm a big fan of Tarantino and being something of a completist recently got round to seeing Death Proof, his half of the 2007 'grindhouse' double bill with the Robert Rodriguez film Planet Terror. A friend (hello Garry!) had told me that he thought it was all right but all the women in it talked exactly like Tarantino's usual male characters and that it was all action and no substance.

Not having seen any of these 1970s grindhouse films means I have to take people's word for the fact that Death Proof is a good example of the genre. What it isn't though, to my mind at least, is a terribly good film. I'm all for action but unless it's allied to some sort of suspense or substance it's just action for the sake of it - and that isn't enough to satisfy me. The dialogue is as juicy as ever, but Garry was right, they do all sound like him. I've tried to write plays, sketches, books even, and I often find that my characters end up sounding the same (i.e. like me) so I know what it's like and how hard it is.

Despite some of the criticism levelled at Inglorious Basterds (it was too long and was a mess, neither of which I agreed with), I felt that Tarantino was banishing those soundalike demons with some fantastically well-rounded characters, most notably Col. hans Landa aka The Jew Hunter, played so memorably by Oscar-winner Christoph Waltz, and for once, a female character in the shape of Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent). Sure, he'd done it before in perhaps his most thoughtful film, Jackie Brown, but the character already existed, she wasn't his creation.

So I'm hopeful that in the not-too distant future we get a Tarantino western, with all the best bits of him and some of the fun (and there's a lot of it) in the highly recommended The Good, The Bad, The Weird.

* According to the film's entry on IMDb, Director Ji-woon Kim says he'd like this to be called a "kimchee western", after the Korean food made with fermented cabbages. He says he thinks the plot and film are spicy and vibrant, like the Korean culture and people.

Films of the year

2010-12-26T15:45:00.004Z

It's that time of year again when critics, reviewers and plain old film fans compile their top 10s of the 12 months just gone. Some people - renowned American critic Roger Ebert being one of them - actively dislikes them, claiming that it's meaningless to compare and rank art in such a way. But whether he likes it or not, people will inevitably have favourites and enjoy reading other people's lists - at least that's what I'm telling myself as I share mine. With both of you.

So here we are, my top 10 of 2010.

1. Inception
2. Toy Story 3
3. Monsters
4. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
5. Shutter Island
6. El secreto de sus ojos (The Secret in Their Eyes)
7. Un Prophète (A Prophet)
8. Panique au Village (A Town Called Panic)
9. The Social Network
10. Piranha 3D

Also worthy of mention are Mother, MicMacs, Megamind, Despicable Me, Date Night, Down Terrace, We Are What We Are, Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff and re-releases Back to the Future and Metropolis.

The worst film I saw was also one of the most entertaining so I can heartily recommend Birdemic: Shock and Terror if it ever gets a DVD release. However, I can't recommend Clash of the Titans, The Last Airbender, Space Chimps 2: The Return of Zartog or the horrible Sex and the City 2. And it's not just because I'm not the target audience - it truly is dreadful.

Having attended the London Film Festival, I saw fortunate enough to see a few films ahead of their release and I'll be amazed if 127 Hours, Black Swan and The King's Speech don't make it into my top 10 of next year but since they've not been released here in the UK, they'll just have to wait their turn...

For the full low-down check out my top 10 and bottom 4 on Screenjabber.

A funny thing happened

2010-11-22T23:08:00.003Z

The other night I was walking home from my local train station when a funny thing happened. It was about 11.45pm, I'd had a fine evening out with some friends I hadn't seen for months and despite my cold I had eaten and drunk just enough for me to be feeling good.

The distance between the station and my house is, er, actually I don't know, but it takes about 7 minutes to walk it. I've run it in three and that includes crossing a busy main road. Then again, I was sky high on methamphetamine that day, although interestingly no one at work noticed. (I made that last it up at first to shock and then revealed all to amuse. Apologies for any sense of bathos. But I have genuinely run it in three minutes. Anyway, enough showing off.) The point is, it's not far, where I live is pretty quiet and middle class and nothing much happens. So when someone ran up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder I was slightly taken aback.

"Excuse me," said the tapper, a non-unattractive blonde of indeterminate age. Late twenties? Early thirties? Don't ask me to guess, I ALWAYS get it wildly wrong and end up apologising. "Do you have a cigarette?"

"No, sorry," I said. I noticed I sounded rather husky which was due to my cold but suddenly worried she'd assume I actually was a smoker, did have a cigarette and simply didn't want to share them. An assertion which was given added weight by what she said next.

"You're very good looking you know," she said nodding as if the nod would somehow assure me of her honesty.

"Well, that's very kind of you," I said. "But I really don't have a cigarette. Flattery will literally get you nowhere I'm afraid."

"She's happy to buy one off you," said her friend who had hitherto been keeping her distance.

"Honestly, if I had a cigarette I would give her one but I don't." Jeez, were they drunk? Oh yes, they were.

"Do you live around here?" said the first girl.

"Yeah, just..." I motioned vaguely up the road, not knowing whether to give an address, directions or what.

"It's okay, I've got a boyfriend," she said. "I'm not going to follow you home." I frowned but didn't quite have the mental wherewithal to ask if she would have followed me home had she been single and whether that would have been okay. "Have you got a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Or a boyfriend?" piped up the second girl.

"No, I prefer girls," I said and immediately wondered whether that implied either boys or girls would do me but girls just about edged it, given the choice.

"Yeah, we're much better," said the second one. Which struck me as somewhat bizarre. What was she saying girls are better at? Or are they just intrinsically better? Or better for me? I couldn't work it out and soon gave up trying.

"Are you hungry?" asked the first girl.

"Yeah, we're just going for a kabob," said her friend.

"Kabob? You mean kebab! My friend's Australian," said girl #1 by way of an apology.

"She's American, isn't she?" I suggested as politely as possible.

"That's what I meant. So are you hungry?"

"I'm really full," I said and for some reason actually patted my stomach. Perhaps I thought it proved my statement beyond any reasonable doubt.

"Okay, bye then!"

With that they were gone and my encounter with the girls was over. It had all taken place in the space of about three minutes. Feel free to insert your own joke here.

You know when you've been tango'd

2010-11-05T22:48:00.004Z

Not me, yesterday

Where do you stand on organised dancing? Personally, I tend to stand somewhere else, and certainly not on the dancefloor. Happy as I am to jiggle about randomly if some pleasing music comes on, the idea of learning pre-planned steps feels, well, unnatural. I've always thought the point of dance is to not think about it, just to let yourself go. Organised dance is the polar opposite. That and the fact that it doesn't look very cool. And as you doubtless know by now, I am usually very cool indeed. Ahem.

Last night I went on a date and at her suggestion we attended an Argentine tango lesson. Given that this was a first date my initial reaction to this suggestion was obviously "good god no". But then I reconsidered. Maybe it was a test, in which case I wanted to pass it. Maybe I'd learn something. And maybe, just maybe, it would be fun. I wasn't holding my breath though.

As we approached the dance room (is that what it's called?) a man and woman were dancing expertly. It seemed as though they were trying to trip each other up such were their elaborate leg movements. It all looked frighteningly impressive so when they stopped and she said, "That was rubbish!" I really began to wonder what I'd let myself in for.

The lesson began by walking forwards slowly and carefully in a straight line. The instructor said, "You can probably walk along the road without any problems." I failed to suppress a snigger before he added, "But when you take it more slowly, it's actually a lot harder." I soon discovered this was very much the case as I struggled to keep my balance, especially once it had to be done in time to music. What was wrong with me? I hadn't even had a drink yet!

Rather abruptly, we then went straight into an eight-movement dance routine thing. Back, left, forward, forward, forward, stop, forward, right. Simple eh? Er, no. Apparently not for me. Then, after a few goes it was time to take your partner and do the thing to music. In theory, doing the same movement whilst holding someone should have been no different but given that a) I wasn't very good on my own anyway and b) my partner was a full foot shorter than me and thus my steps were considerably longer than hers, it all went a bit randomly.

A couple of times it went smoothly but generally I forgot one vital step and there was a shuffle, an apology and an embarrassed restart. Blimey, that sounds like bad sex doesn't it? Well, I suppose in a way it was. Luckily my dance partner was patient and after a few other steps and practices came to a conclusion. The man has to lead and if he gets it wrong, it all goes wrong. The woman can literally just be pushed around and can generally get by on instinct. And perhaps, she suggested, this is why women like this kind of dancing and men don't. It's basically a lot easier for her than it is for him.

That's probably simplifying things and ignores a lot of other elements but it made sense to me as I tottered about the dancefloor trying not to tread on anyone's feet or run into 'traffic' - "Remember, in tango we move around the floor anti-clockways." We swapped partners a few times and I encountered the full gamut of people. The experienced amateur who smiled patiently at my errors. The giggly girl who found the whole thing almost as confusing as I did. The more mature lady who apologised non-stop but was actually very good. And the sullen girl with quite dreadful shoes (although I'm not sure that was the reason hers were the only feet I trod on all evening) who kept sighing exasperatedly but was actually suffering from pretensions of adequacy herself.

Once the lesson was over (by which time I was less sizzling and more just sweaty - always a good look), the rest of the evening consisted almost entirely of my date talking. Fortunately she wasn't dull but it would have been nice to get a word in at some point, or at least not been talked over when she did deign to pause. However, I did learn some basic tango steps and discovered that it's a hell of a lot harder even than it looks. I still won't be watching Strictly Come Dancing though.

So tell me, Future Boy...

2010-10-17T21:21:00.003+01:00

Last week I fulfilled a life-time ambition and saw Back To The Future on the big screen. This may not seem like much of a big deal to you but to me it is because a) I didn't see it at the cinema when it came out in 1985 and b) it's the best film of all time. Okay, maybe not, but it is bloody good and it is my favourite.

The original film print has been cleaned up - "remastered" - and given a theatrical re-release to coincide with the 25 year anniversary, and quite probably to raise awareness of the film prior to the trilogy's Blu-ray release at the end of this month. Despite having seen the first (and best) film dozens of times on my television, I really wanted to see it large. I know there are some people who prefer to watch films at home and sometimes with good reason - no idiots talking, kicking the seat, eating full roast dinners - but seeing films at the cinema is without doubt a different experience.

Once in my seat I actually got a bit nervous. Would it be as good as I hoped? Would someone spoil it by playing with their phone all the way through it? I was quite prepared to be that righteous person who told them to shut up if necessary. This was my favourite film, dammit! Most of all though, I was super excited. As the credits rolled and the ticking of the clocks began my heart actually started to beat faster. Then as the opening tracking shot began, a small child behind me started to comment on every item in view. I was delighted that the kid's parents had the good taste to educate their offspring with such a great film but if they didn't get him/her to SHUT UP INSTANTLY I was going to spin round and give them a piece of my obsessed mind.

Luckily, the child soon got bored or was chided by a parent and peace reigned supreme. By the time 'The Power of Love' by Huey Lewis and the News kicked in I was in '80s film heaven. What a great song that is, too. It's the sort of pop song that will always sound brilliant, no matter what the situation but fits especially well with Marty hitching a ride to school on the back of cars on his skateboard. That is the brilliance of the film overall, how everything fits together so well. Every line of dialogue provides important background information or sets up a future incident or situation.

One of the problems with remastering is that the picture is so clear that 1980s make-up doesn't always stand up to the high definition treatment. Both bald teacher Strickland and Doc Brown have quite obvious prosthetically aged skin on their necks, while Lorraine's '80s look is even less convincing than it used to be. These are minor quibbles however, and don't detract from the beauty that is the pin-sharp new version.

Watching it on the big screen also brought to my attention certain details I'd never noticed before, despite my numerous viewings. In the scene where Doc shows Marty the model of the town ("I'm afraid it's not to scale and I didn't have time to paint it") on the clock tower there's not only a watch face in place of the clock but it's even set to 10:05, the time the lightning strikes. Then later, when Marty is going through the plan with George about what will happen at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance, George is hanging up the laundry. At the precise moment he says, "Are you going to be touching her on her...?", he is holding a bra, consciously or otherwise indicating exactly what he means.

Speaking of George, seeing it on the big screen highlighted just what a loon the character of George McFly is, and quite what an outlandish performance it is from Crispin Glover. He really is colossally over the top and utterly hopeless - as Marty comments at one point, "Jeez, it's a wonder I was even born." Also particularly wonderful is Christopher Lloyd as the Doc - never have his facial expressions seemed more outrageous.

I left the cinema still grinning and went to a local pub for a drink. A song was playing and it sounded strangely familiar but not quite right. Then I realised - it was 'The Power of Love' but it was some sort of weird cover version. Unbelievably, they had managed to ruin it but it didn't ruin the evening. In fact, it was made even better when I got off the bus and also alighting was a teenage boy - carrying a skateboard. You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but I didn't.

Is this reality?

2010-09-27T22:28:00.003+01:00

I don't know about you but it's rare these days that I am genuinely wowed by, well, anything. Maybe I'm stuck in a rut or maybe I'm just not investigating life fully enough but whatever the reason, this video made my jaw drop and my heart beat faster with incredulity and impressedness. Is that a word? Probably not. You know what I mean though. And when you've seen this, maybe you will feel the same.

The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

I haven't yet done enough research to fully understand exactly how this works (sorry, but I was too excited to share it) but it's called miniature faking and employs something known as tilt shift photography. So what you've just watched is a series of photographs - 35,000 photographs - put together in sequence which is what gives it its jerky, stop motion animation look, used since 1898 but more regularly in children's television since the 1960s.

Apparently it's the blurring of the foreground and background, the height at which the shots are taken and presumably the high definition nature of the photos that provides the miniature look. But it seems to me as though the lighting has something to do with it as well.

I guess what I find it hardest to get my head around is that this is real. And yet real life doesn't look like that does it? Whatever, it is to me at least, utterly transfixingly beautiful.

Why Dickens would have made a good filmmaker

2010-09-26T18:29:00.005+01:00

As someone with a fascination for words it's often the dialogue in a film or television programme that impresses me. All too often however this element of the mix is overlooked. If I think about how many times I've reviewed films and noted the hopeless script... well, it's all too often. And while I stand by my assertion that a good script is crucial to a making a good film it's by no means the be all and end all. So much can and sometimes should be told through the visuals alone - indeed, this is the beauty of film, the ability to tell stories through images.

Let's take the opening scene from my favourite film, Back to the Future. The amount of information in the opening three minutes alone is quite remarkable. Firstly, we hear clocks ticking. We then see a quite bewildering array of timepieces which not only tell us the hour of day but also sets the stage for the central theme of the film - time. As the camera pans around the room we see all manner of inventions, many of which don't seem to be working quite as they should. So although we've yet to meet Doc Brown, the seed is already planted about what sort of a man he is.

The tour of the room continues as a television switches itself on - there's an apparently random news story about some stolen plutonium. A can of dog food is opened and automatically dispensed into an overflowing bowl on the floor. The door opens and we get the first glimpse of a protagonist. He drops his skateboard and backheels it out the way. The camera tracks its progress across the floor until it is brought to a halt by a a box of... plutonium. With barely any dialogue, director Robert Zemeckis has provided background story and character as well as dropping hints about the story to come.

In much the same way, Charles Dickens sets a scene in chapter five of A Tale of Two Cities. Rather than relying on dialogue to inform the reader as a means of plot exposition, he draws a picture. Initially it seems to be a simple description - albeit a very detailed one - of the events which unfold after a cask of wine is dropped and spills on a street in Paris. But as more information is provided we can start to infer certain facts through the behaviour of the people, such as the poverty and desperation of the people.

But perhaps the most cinematic element of this piece of writing is the way in which the focus moves from one person or part of the scene to the next almost sequentially. The action moves literally down the street before settling on a particular character. Background information is given to explain his situation and we then follow him to his next destination which leads us back to the main plot.

It's this written equivalent of the tracking shot - like the one in Back To The Future - that is impressive. Only afterwards do you realise how cleverly orchestrated it all was and how much you've learnt by going on that journey. And it's this skill of imparting information, revealing plot and character by stealth, subtlety and wit that I believe would have made Dickens as good a filmmaker as he was a writer. Now there's a thought...

On set with The Inbetweeners

2010-09-07T22:25:00.006+01:00

Earlier this year I was granted a set visit to a day's filming The Inbetweeners, E4's teen comedy written by my old school friend Iain Morris.

With my Screenjabber intrepid reporter hat on, I turned up to a quite posh housing development near Watford one cold spring morning and hung around trying to get some footage of the boys. It was surprisingly tough because although only a couple of minutes' of film was captured all day, they had to be constantly ready to retake shots, from different angles, without a plane going over, with the sun out and so on, until it was right.

Luckily for me, the stars of the show were stars off camera too and were incredibly friendly and welcoming, as were Damon Beesley, Iain's co-writer, and Chris Young, the show's producer.

Here are some photographs from the day.

Joe Thomas gets interrupted in this first video interview

James Buckley talks dressing gowns and ghosts

The boys discuss video diaries, trainers and Simon Bird's sensual mother

The new series starts on Monday 13 September at 10pm on E4.

West Wittering

2010-08-30T21:22:00.001+01:00

You'll never guess where I've been. Well, click on the picture above or these words to see what I saw.

North by Northwest: an essay

2010-08-14T16:46:00.004+01:00

** Contains spoilers ** It's probably best not to read this unless you've already seen the film.

To my mind, North By Northwest is Alfred Hitchcock's most enjoyable film. It has everything - mystery, comedy, romance, thrills and suspense. It has a likable lead in Cary Grant, a dangerous, sexy blonde in Eva Marie Saint and super suave villain in the form of the marvellous James Mason. It has a sparkling script, spectacular set pieces and, since I'm clearly being alliterative, a sensational score. It is a true classic of Hollywood cinema. But why? How has Alfred Hitchcock created this masterpiece?

One of the keys to the brilliance of the film is the way the director tells the story, also known as narration. There are two basic forms of narration in film, omniscient and restricted. In many, perhaps the majority of films, omniscient narration is used whereby the viewer knows everything that is happening in the story. Inevitably however, this will be more than the characters know, each of whom have a restricted view of events, just as we do in real life. While this may sounds dull at first glance, having complete knowledge creates suspense - how and when will events unfold? By contrast, restricted narration (of which there are infinite levels) often puts us in the shoes of one of the characters. Because we don't know what's going on either, this makes for mystery, confusion and intrigue.

In North by Northwest, Hitchcock uses a combination of these two forms of narration to tell what is a relatively complex plot. For the first 40 minutes the viewer is, to all intents and purposes, Roger Thornhill, and as such has no idea who George Kaplan is and what Vandamm wants from him. Thus we have our first example of intrigue, something which is maintained right up until it is revealed that Kaplan is in fact a non-existent decoy, invented by the government to ensnare Vandamm. But while we now know more than Thornhill, it doesn't really explain anything.

The next shift in tone occurs when we see Eve sending a note to Vandamm. Suddenly, suspense is added to intrigue - what was blissful ignorance turns to concern for Thornhill and suspicion of Eve's intentions. Who is she? Why is she working for Vandamm? And why are the government concerned about him? So even as the layers are unravelled, we are kept engaged.

Halfway through the film, comes a truly iconic scene. By now we know that Eve is not to be trusted so when she sets up a meeting with Kaplan for Thornhill, while he is eager to find out who this mystery man is, we can only suspect that this isn't going to end well for Thornhill.

Thornhill arrives at the supposed rendezvous point, a desolate spot to say the least. Hitch treats us to a sumptuous establishing shot from high above the road which not only looks great but also shows our hero's isolation. For the next minutes, there is virtually no dialogue, merely a series of beautifully crafted establishing and point of view shots. These typify the director's grasp of not only technique but also suspense. The longer nothing happens, the more tense the sequence becomes until it suddenly bursts into life with the aerial arrival of the crop duster bi-plane. It's a wonderful scene and we learn that these people will stop at nothing to get rid of Thornhill.

As we enter the final act, two more pieces of information are revealed. First, we discover that Eve is Vandamm's lover, something which changes the dynamic of the relationship between her and Thornhill. Shortly after this, there's an even more dramatic shift as we find out that Eve is in fact an undercover agent and the best way Thornhill can help her is by co-operating with the Professor. Even at this late stage, the narration remains partially restricted and so there is still intrigue. but now, the tension is even more meaningful as Thornhill's emotional investment in Eve has been reignited.

That the final twists and turns still feels plausible are a credit not only to the well-constructed plot but also to Hitchcock's direction. This isn't simply a matter of throwing a few big set pieces together and hoping for the best. Each scene works because it concentrates on progressing the story and revealing character. Everything is there for a reason, nothing is mere padding or whimsy. It is a masterclass in storytelling and filmmaking.

It may not be as groundbreaking as Psycho, as claustrophobic as Rear Window or as disturbing as The Birds but in my opinion North by Northwest is Hitch's masterpiece - a witty, beautiful, sexy mysterious thrill ride from start to breathtaking finish.

Wine country

2010-06-21T18:38:00.002+01:00

Last week I visited Napa and Russian River for some wine tasting. New world wines sometimes get a bit of a lambasting simply for not being European but the climate in the more southern hemispheres is actually often better suited to growing good grapes.

When I was last in San Francisco in November, I was at a wonderful restaurant called Foreign Cinema and was introduced to a zinfandel from the Red & Green winery. Like most of the best California wines it doesn't get exported so we in the UK tend to miss out. A couple of months ago I was at Artisan and Vine in Battersea for dinner and spotted a zinfandel from California by the name of Frog's Leap. It was delicious. Not quite as amazing as the Red & Green one but nonetheless very fruity and quaffable.

So this time Garry and I visited the Frog's Leap winery where I discovered that not only are all their wines delicious but they're all completely organic. We also went to the Silver Oak winery. And then a few others. It's all a bit of a blur after a while. The experience, not my brilliant photos (see below).

Napa Valley and Russian River - the photos

On our trip to Russian River, which included a search for that most American of dishes, the apple pie, we recorded a little video of the day's events.

Wine country: Russian River - the video

It wasn't quite Sideways but wine and apple pie are definitely two of my favourite things out here.

Toy Story 3

2010-06-18T22:24:00.003+01:00

It's more than ten years since we last saw Woody, Buzz and the gang, and their owner Andy is now ready to go to college. Needing to make a decision about what to do with his toys, he opts to take Woody with him and put the rest of his faithful friends in the attic. However, several twists of fate means that they all end up at Sunnyside, a local day care centre where kids will play with them every day. But can Woody get home in time to go to college with Andy and is Sunnyside really the paradise it seems to be?

One of the problems with making two brilliant films like Toy Story and Toy Story 2 is how to follow them. Luckily the magicians at Pixar have managed to maintain their incredibly high standards with this third instalment despite the usual problems which dog sequels such as largely reprising the earlier films. To an extent, even Pixar don't manage to avoid repeating the themes of loss, love and growing up. But since this is all about kids and their toys, why would you?

It's a rich vein of drama and emotion and one which director Lee Unkrich mines expertly to create an utterly believable world, full of rich, rounded but also flawed characters. It's perhaps the ultimate compliment to Pixar that halfway through it struck me that I was so emotionally involved I'd genuinely forgotten they weren't people at all but animated toys. No mean feat for a live action feature, never mind a bunch of pixels.

Speaking of which, the animation has again improved. Not perhaps to the game-changing extent of the original but it is noticeably better, especially in the realm of the physical world. Where before the people and surroundings had a computer game feel to them, now there is a photorealism to things like the grass, the trees and Buster the dog which makes the whole thing that much more believable.

It would be remiss not to mention the 3D, which is apparently such a huge selling point. As you'd expect, this element is done to perfection but the very best I can say about it is that it is unobtrusive. It looks nice but I honestly don't believe it enhanced the experience. When a film is this good, it simply doesn't need it - if you're making a film properly, you can create perspective and depth without it.

So what of the movie itself? Well, the plot follows the same sort of capture and escape with added emotional turmoil formula as the previous films. But while it's a largely predictable and well-trodden path, as ever it's the details which elevate this far above any competitor animation and indeed most live action features. There are a few subtle film references for the cognoscenti and the in-jokes about Rex's arms and the aliens being indebted to Mr Potato Head are welcome inclusions.

The characters are so familiar now that it would be easy to simply repeat their roles but these are developed, changing in line with the new circumstances. And even those who have settled into their characters get the odd twist thrown in. Buzz Lightyear's relationship with Jesse takes a very funny and unexpected turn, while Mr Potato Head has to utilise an alternative foodstuff to get him out of a tricky situation with hilarious results.

As ever the script is terrific, not a word is wasted and is full of pathos and perhaps most importantly, humour. John Ratzenberger's Hamm gets all the best lines, as usual, but the introduction of Ken and Barbie is an absolute masterstroke. Their relationship is the perfect comedy sub-plot and one dress-up scene is laugh out loud funny. This is crucial because there's a darkness to Toy Story 3 which we've not seen before, not only in Ned Beatty's bitter Lotso and the more-than-a-little creepy Big Baby but also in one scene towards the end which is genuinely scary.

Although it's no longer an original concept, the third Toy Story is still a masterpiece, not just in terms of animation but in characterisation and storytelling. It may have taken them a decade to come up with the brilliance that is Toy Story 3 but boy, is it worth the wait.

Here's the trailer if you can't wait until it comes out in the UK on 23 July.

A day at the aquarium

2010-06-16T19:24:00.001+01:00

Divided by a common language

2010-06-15T16:11:00.004+01:00

Last week I saw an episode from series 1 of Not Going Out, one of my favourite modern sitcoms, starring and co-written by Lee Mack. In it, he plays an unemployed man living with his best friend's ex-girlfriend, played by Megan Dodds. She is American and naturally there are a few gags based on this situation. At one point she complains about having to carry some books all the way up the stairs because the elevator is out of order. Lee's response is "Well, you you should have used the lift."

In another episode, he is pretending to be her boyfriend but according to her not doing a very good job of showing his emotions. "I can't just turn it on like a tap," he complains. "Force it, "she says. " "All right, I can't just turn it on like a faucet."

So here I am in San Francisco once again. My reintroduction to American and Americanisms began on Saturday when I watched the England v USA World Cup game with half a dozen locals. During the match itself, there wasn't a lot of comedy references to "off-ence" or "de-fence", which was slightly disappointing. Also disappointing was a) when the US scored which was almost immediately followed by b) my beer being spilt. I didn't make a big deal of because I'm a chilled out kind of guy. That and the fact that the guy who knocked it over was 6'7" and built like a defensive lineman (that's a big American footballer type).

What did emerge from my time with the Americans was the use of the word 'money' as an adjective. "If we beat you guys, that would be money." Whether this is a reference to being like money in the hand, the 'money shot' or simply something that is good is unclear. Urban Dictionary suggests it originates from the 1986 film Swingers. But whatever the etymology, it seems to far more prevalent than 'awesome' or other words you might typically associate with California.

Hopefully I'll pick up some more of the local lingo in my time out here so people can stop thinking I'm Australian. That would be money.

Hellom

2010-05-30T13:20:00.002+01:00

Having a website with my email address on it is a bit of a double-edged sword. Actually, that phrase has always bothered me. Aren't all swords double-edged? Knives aren't, but swords? Imagine being in the heat of battle and having to check which was the sharp side. Anyway, the public email address means I can get work sometimes which is great. It also means I get very random emails. Here's one I received the other day.

Hellom
want you to write a 30 page on the topic RELIGIOUS CRISES AMONG ETHNIC GROUPS..let me know as soon as possible if you are up to the task.
The write up should be readable and accessible,okay?let me know how much it will cost me so i could arrange your fee immediately but before then,remain BLESSED.
Humbly yours
HIBBERT.

I was so confused I completely forgot to reply. Clearly I'm not up to the task.

A walk in the park

2010-04-18T23:04:00.002+01:00

It was lovely out today so I went for a walk in the park with my camera. I could write more but a apparently picture says a thousand words. So here are 62,000 'words'.

Spring has sprung

And if you want to see some really fancy and very good photos from someone who really knows what they're doing you could do worse that check out fellow blogger Graham's flickr account.

Film round up

2010-04-03T14:14:00.006+01:00

As is my wont, I've seen rather a lot of films lately. I've reviewed a few (asterisked below) but thought I'd give my marks out of 10 for each as a quick way to see what's hot and what's not. In my not-so humble opinion, of course.

At the cinema
* My Last Five Girlfriends 7/10
* Crazy Heart 8/10
* The Headless Woman 5/10
* From Paris With Love 5/10
The Wolfman 5/10
Precious 8/10
Up In The Air 8/10
A Single Man 8/10
Invictus 7/10
Micmacs 8/10
* Alice in Wonderland (in 3D) 8/10
* Legion 6/10
* Chloe 7/10
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo 8/10
Shutter Island 9/10
Clash of the Titans (in 3D) 6/10

At home
Vicky Cristina Barcelona 7/10
* Crazy Horse, Paris with Dita Von Teese 7/10
RockNRolla 6/10
* The End of The Line 8/10
The Boat That Rocked 2/10
Jennifer's Body 5/10
The Ugly Truth 5/10
The Hurt Locker 8/10
Fantastic Mr Fox 8/10
An Education 8/10
Burn After Reading 7/10
The Informant! 7/10
* Who Dares Wins 6/10

A damn fine cup of coffee

2010-03-27T20:06:00.002Z

Like all teenage boys, I had many crushes. Marilyn Monroe was one of the first and then, in 1990, Sherilyn Fenn sashayed into my consciousness. She arrived in the form of Audrey Horne, the teenage temptress in David Lynch's surreal TV masterpiece, Twin Peaks.

Lynch once described her as "five foot of heaven in a ponytail" and I found it impossible to disagree. She was pretty, sexy and perhaps most impressive of all, could tie a knot in a cherry stalk using her mouth. Within weeks of the programme starting on BBC2, I set about getting her address (no easy job in the days before the internet) so I could send her a polite letter requesting a signed photograph.

Not too long after, I received exactly that, an autographed picture of the delightful Miss Fenn, along with a note which read something along the lines of, "I'm glad to hear my work is touching you." I'm not sure she would have been quite so glad if she'd known precisely how her work had been touching me but still.

Anyway, it wasn't just for her that I continued to watch Twin Peaks. It genuinely was groundbreaking, like nothing else before and in some ways, since. I hadn't at that stage seen any other David Lynch work but fell in love with the quirky characters, bizarre humour, haunting music and unique visual style. A lot of it made no sense but that was part of its charm - one of my favourite moments is when a llama walks into shot, looks directly at Special Agent Dale Cooper, pauses, and then moves on.

'Coop', played brilliantly by Kyle MacLachlan, was another reason I loved the show. Intelligent, well-dressed, funny and oh yeah, Audrey fancied him, so I basically wanted to be him. He also showed enthusiasm for the simplest of life's pleasures, most notably a slice of cherry pie and a strong cup of joe. I have a sneaking suspicion I started taking my coffee black as a direct result.

Finally, after many years, the second season is available on DVD and also together with the first season in a definitive gold box edition. If you're interested in discovering this cult classic or just want to relive some old memories, have a read of my review on Screenjabber.

Half Marathon Man

2010-03-22T18:43:00.003Z

Yesterday I did the Reading Half Marathon. That's 13.1 miles of running in Reading, and not, as Ian hilariously suggested, 13.1 miles of reading. Not entirely sure how that would work anyway. Reading while running? Reading a line of text that, when laid out, measured 13.1 miles? What size font? Who would hold it up? So many questions, so little sense.

The first question you're probably asking is why. Why would I run so far? Well, I've done quite a few 10k races over the years and recently started doing the Richmond parkrun 5k most Saturdays so when about six months ago Steve suggested I do it with him, it seemed like a good plan. After all, it was only 21k.

Last September I ran in a 10k race and my hamstring didn't like it at all. I took up yoga (again) and that seemed to help a bit but then every time I ran fast it got worse. I went to see an osteopath and when that didn't work I went back to my old chiropractor who identified some scar tissue in my hamstring and got all medieval on it. It improved almost immediately but then a couple of weeks later he noticed something else.

It turns out my left leg is 9mm longer than my right, which over the course of time has done bad things to my hip and put severe strain on that hamstring. So, he gave me a lift. By which I mean a small insert to go in my right short and even up my odd legs, not a ride in his car. This was about a month ago and I haven't had any discomfort since.

Race day
So after several months of half-decent training I was fairly confident I could get round in roughly 8-minute miles and post a time of around 1 hour 45 minutes. It was a cool start to the day but the sun came out almost the moment we began and for the first couple of miles I was actually ahead of schedule and feeling good. It was busy (18,000 people apparently) but not irritatingly so and the course was generally pretty flat.

Then at around 5 miles, I started to feel a bit less good. We went into Reading town centre and there were uphills and the roads were twisty and turny and suddenly I was falling back. I passed the 7 mile marker just about 'on time' and then had to go up a long, slow incline. By this point my legs were beginning to feel a bit heavy and I was relieved to hear a spectator say that after the turn at the top it was all downhill.

This wasn't quite the case but it was certainly flatter. Then, without warning, it got incredibly busy with loads people passing me left and right (although not centre, that wouldn't have worked). And then I saw why - a pacer with 1h40 marker was breezing past with his followers and I waved goodbye to any chance of beating my target.

The next mile or so didn't get any easier despite taking on my energy/rehydration drink and by now, my energy gel as well. The legs just weren't quite working properly. And then the soles of my feet started to cramp up making every step painful. I stamped my feet to shake it of but it had no effect but with three miles still to go I wasn't about to stop and lose even more time so I pressed on.

An attractive girl ran past me and for a moment I thought I'd use her as my 'hare' but within 30 seconds she was gone. A mile later, another hottie and I managed a bit of a burst of energy thanks to some well-timed music from my iPod and the sight of the stadium (and finish) coming into view. I'd been warned that there was a loop near the stadium of about a mile which made it seem like you were closer to the end than you were and although I was prepared for this, by then I was virtually staggering. Then the 1h45 pacer went past me. I tried to keep my knees up and catch up but the pain in my feet and the heaviness of my legs simply weren't having it.

With the 20k marker in sight, I spotted a man lying by the side of the road with a blanket over him and an oxygen mask to his face. On the other side of the road, two medics were attending another man who was half-sitting, half-crouching and with a look on his face that suggested he didn't know where he was. I suddenly realised that I couldn't be feeling so bad after all and pushed a bit harder.

A '400m to go' sign spurred me on for something approaching a sprint before I realised that it was going to take more more than 45 seconds. Out of breath I slowed down before managing one final sprint inside the stadium, where, it has to be said, the noise of the crowd really did help. I crossed the line in 1:49.45, my feet and legs aching and realising just how impressive it is for anyone to do a whole marathon, never mind what Eddie Izzard recently achieved.

Big respect to the long-distance runners. It's a lot harder than it looks.

PS I could have got the above photo without the whacking great watermark but it would have cost me £17.99. For a digital copy. I know they have to make some money but 18 quid? Really?

Some recent film reviews

2010-02-14T23:41:00.005Z

Time for a recap on my latest viewings, methinks.

It may not be showing in many cinemas anymore but if it is I can recommend A Prophet, a tense, gritty French prison drama with a quite brilliant central performance from Tahar Rahim. This excellent film from Jacques Audiard has been nominated for the Best Foreign Film Oscar and it's certainly worthy of some awards.

Released in time for half-term is Battle for Terra, which I saw in 3D but is showing in regularvision as well. It plays out a bit like a cartoon version of Avatar, looks pretty and has decent some action. It's not bad but it is fairly derivative and I'd have thought a bit solemn for younger kids.

On the home cinema front, The Firm is out on Blu-ray. I saw this at the cinema and enjoyed some elements of it (the humour and the '80s soundtrack) but wasn't that taken with others (the utter predictability).

Also on Blu-ray is the fabulous Sin Nombre, a gangster thriller/road movie set in Mexico. This all but passed me by on its theatrical release but I'm really pleased to have caught up with it as it not only looks terrific in HD but is also a great story, beautifully told.

Gamer, a film about people playing computer games, didn't strike me as a great idea when I first heard about it and although it wasn't quite a terrible as I feared, it still wasn't much good. But if you like a bit of mindless action this passes the time slickly without you ever having to engage your brain.

Finally, a mention for a low budget British film called The Hide. Based on a play about two men in a bird hide, both with secrets to, er, hide, this does feel a bit stagey at times. There's dialogue aplenty as you'd expect but also a couple of great performances which make this well worth a look.

The Graston Technique

2010-02-13T16:12:00.002Z

I wouldn't be surprised if you've never heard of the Graston Technique. I hadn't either until a few years ago when I went to my local chiropractor because a sign in the window said they treated sports injuries. I'd spent years playing football and turning my ankles. The ligaments were like cooked spaghetti and only by strapping them up could I guarantee not doing them further damage.

I started running but one of my ankles was hurting on every step and it got really annoying so I went along to see what could be done. You know when you graze your skin and a crusty scar forms which eventually falls off (unless you're impatient and pick it off)? Turns out that a similar kind of scar tissue forms when you do damage to internal bits like muscle and ligament. My ankle had become riddled with scar tissue and because there's nowhere for it to fall off to, it just stays there causing irritation.

To remove this, the affected area can be rubbed to break it down and specially designed metal tools are used for the job. Some of the look like giant knife-spoons and others look like they'd be useful as a prop in a recreation of the song Greased Lightning. The chiropractor put some lubricant on my ankle and then started to rub.

One of the questions in the FAQs section of the official Graston Technique website is 'Is the treatment painful?' The answer is 'It is common to experience minor discomfort during the procedure'. Now, I realise that 'discomfort' is all relative and that maybe it depends on which part of the body you get rubbed but I have never experienced anything so excruciating in my life. And before any women reading brush this off with "men have a lower pain threshold than women" and "ha, you should try giving birth", a) that's not true, do your research b) I can't and c) you should really try being on the end of the Graston Technique and see how you cope before making a judgement.

This is not a minor discomfort in the way that being waxed is (and yes, I do know what that feels like), this is full-on torture. I can recall sweating profusely, gripping the bench I was lying on and tears streaming down my face. I'm not looking for sympathy here by the way, simply explaining just what an effect it had on me. However, I figured it must be doing me good so I gritted my teeth - literally, and it's not often I do that - and clung on. Almost immediately running became less painful and after four or five sessions there was no pain at all and hasn't been since.

Having 'retired' from football a couple of years ago, I've recently been doing more running and signed up for the Reading Half Marathon a couple of months back. Since then, I've been having intermittent hamstring pain (I know, I'm a wreck) and even took up yoga in a bid to become more flexible and alleviate the discomfort. That didn't seem to help and neither did an osteopath so I went back to the chiropractor. He immediately identified some scar tissue in the muscle and got his Graston tools out. I wasn't too worried because I figured that the problem last time was that he was rubbing an area with basically no soft tissue whereas this time it was only soft(ish) tissue.

How wrong I was. The sweating, the gripping, the grimacing, all present and correct once again. Afterwards, there's also a considerable amount of bruising which I was thinking of showing you via a photograph but, well, you know what a bruise looks like so really there's no point. Plus, it's pretty unpleasant.

Anyway, the point of all this is that despite the agony, I can highly recommend the Graston Technique. Again there was an almost immediate relief of pain and I'm now far more confident of completing the 13 and a bit miles at the end of March without too much discomfort. Now all I need is to get fit.

The coffee rap?

2010-01-24T23:35:00.001Z

After my successful (?) night at Cringe last week I have dug out some poetry I did whilst at college. I think the idea is that you're a bit younger than that but was a teenager so hopefully it will qualify. But that's for another time.

I also found the following rhyme - it's not really a poem and can only imagine it was intended for the hip hop band called Free Sample that Matt and I talked about creating. This may well have been post-college but here it is anyway.

COFFEE

It's so delicious I get delirious
Deprive me of it and I'll get nefarious
This may sound complex but it isn't really
Or is it? Well, yes, maybe, nearly
It must be hot but not brought to the boil
The beans must be ground but I don't mean soil
The filter method is preferential
Kinda like philosophy it's existential
I don't mind instant as long as it's rich
The kettle's not on so I hit the switch
It's warming up I can hear it whistle
This is a red hot rhyme not a damn epistle
So I stir it in and it comes up smooth
Like Superman in a telephone booth
Maybe not here to save the planet
But at least the day starts right, goddammit
Without my coffee life's not worth livin'
But I'm not Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven
So I won't be shootin' like my name was Tex
There's nothing for it but to end with 'sex'
But that's another story, a whole new topic
I can't see far so they call me myopic
Again I'm strayin' from the original point
Which is that coffee is the hippest drink in this joint

It's true I love coffee but it's not an obsession
I'm honest to a fault and this ain't a confession
I have been to Qenco but between me and you
I don't mean the factory but a place in Peru

That's as far as I got, which is probably just a well. Even looking back, I'm not sure whether I was trying to write a parody/comedy rap or whether I felt that hip hop should have an element of fun, of playfulness about it. Maybe I couldn't decide. I quite like some of the rhymes though and it does make me wonder how easy I'd find it to write this sort of thing now. And then I wonder what the point of that would be.

EDIT: I've done some research and the mention of Unforgiven places this at September 1992 at the very earliest, at which point I was 19. However, I went to Peru in late 1994 when I was 21, although I don't recall going to Qenco. I did drink an awful lot of coffee on that trip though.

Cringe

2010-01-21T21:45:00.003Z

Last night I went to Cringe. The idea of Cringe is that you read aloud something you wrote in your teenage years, something that you're likely to be embarrassed by. It could be a poem or a letter but by far the most common format is a diary. Perhaps predictably, other people find these writings entertaining. After all, what could be more fun than someone else making a tit of themselves?

I'd read an article about it in the paper and having recently found my diary from 1987 decided I'd read some out. It wasn't hugely embarrassing but it certainly wasn't cool either and I hoped that people might find it funny. If they just found it boring that really would be embarrassing but without the audience getting any entertainment value.

It started at 7.30pm but we were advised to get there earlier as "it tends to fill up". I got there at 7pm and it was rammed. Like, shoulder to shoulder, roasty toasty, I'm-never-going-to-get-served-at-the-bar busy. I just about squeezed my way through to 'register' and then got a drink. Becca and Patrick turned up just in time before it started to provide me with some much needed moral support.

I didn't know when I'd be called up on stage so I didn't even know how long I had to be nervous for. I inhaled one pint of Guinness and got going on a second. The first reader, like the majority of the audience, was a girl in her early twenties. She was clearly very nervous and spoke so quickly it was almost impossible to tell what she was saying. Not only that, but she seemed to be punctuating her reading with her own present tense commentary so even when I could hear her, I wasn't sure what was then and what was now. If nothing else I felt I would at least be able to acquit myself at least as well in the orating department.

The second reader, also a girl, was more coherent and slowly but surely the evening got into a flow. Most of the readers were girls and almost all of them read from their diaries in the age range of 13-16. The stories chosen were mainly about boys they fancied, boys who fancied them, and girls they didn't like. There were some seriously choice phrases although the one that stood was: "Nick is the horniest sexbeast EVER!"

Inevitably, a lot of it revolved around how the girls felt, which, also inevitably, changed if not hourly then certainly daily. The turn-around time for relationships was rarely as long as a fortnight and girls went from being "so in love" to "dumping the stupid bastard", often within days.

The first bloke was called up, which meant I had longer to wait. His story was from when he was 15 and I got more and more anxious that my reading would be utterly out of context with all this talk of kissing and pulling and boys ears that smelled of dove. Or possibly Dove.

Eventually it got to the stage where I had to be up soon or they'd forgotten about me. And then, it was my turn. On the journey (it felt like a journey, trust me) to the stage I considered prefacing my reading with the soon-to-be-obvious news that mine wasn't going to be much like anyone else's. In the end, I forgot and simply said, "Hello. My name's Justin and I'm 13 years old."

Whether it was because they needed a break from all the hormonal whingeing or whether they thought I was an idiot or whether I just delivered it well (I prefer to imagine it was the latter), I don't know but there was a lot of laughing, for which I was mightily relieved. I think I got the biggest laugh for, "Allo Allo was as funny as usual", although it may have just been they were relieved to have a break from the interminable football results I insisted on listing. It might not exactly count as stand-up but I have to say it felt pretty good having people laugh at something I'd written, even if the comedy was accidental.

Now, where's that poetry...

Les films français

2010-01-17T21:46:00.003Z

This week I have mainly been watching French films.

For reasons I can't pretend to understand lovefilm deemed me worthy of two free credits to watch Mesrine, last year's two part crime thriller, online. Perhaps it was because they were already on my rental list but whatever the reason I was very happy to watch them. For the uninitiated, Jacques Mesrine was a French bank robber who pretty much did as he pleased in the 1960s and '70s.

In the first part, Mesrine: Killer Instinct, Jacques robs banks, sleeps with women and generally lives the high life. On reflection, not a whole lot happens apart from that but it happens so stylishly and Vincent Cassel who plays the title character is so charismatic that the two hours fly by, mainly in a hail of bullets.

Part deux, Mesrine: Public Enemy No. 1, picks up where the first instalment ended and this time around there's a bit more prison involved. But such is his wealth and cunning that he is always able to escape. It's undoubtedly exciting stuff and it's hard not to side with him, despite his total disregard for human life. And not just the police and others he kills but his parents, wife and children all of whom suffer to some extent. If I have any criticism of the films it's that this emotional aspect is neglected almost entirely in favour of shoot-outs. But overall it's a thoroughly entertaining way to spend almost four hours. I'm looking forward to catching up on Cassel's back catalogue.

One of the first films I saw while I was at university was Delicatessen, a film by Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro. Their debut feature is set in a ravaged, post-apocalyptic world where grain is the currency and meat is in woefully short supply. Louison (Dominique Pinon) has replied to an ad for the live in handyman in a rundown apartment block run by a butcher. He soon takes a fancy to the butcher's daughter Julie who knows the real, more sinister reason for his employment.

In Delicatessen, Jeunet and Caro have created a weird and wonderful place and show some stunning flashes of imagination using sound, camerawork and some fascinating characterisation to propel the narrative, a far cry from the special effects laden world that seems to be all too pervasive in cinema today.

Their second film, The City of Lost Children (La cité des enfants perdus), has a similarly surreal feel and although slightly darker than their first still retains some delicious moments of black humour. This time children are being kidnapped by a mad scientist who wants to steal their dreams to slow his ageing process. Dominique Pinon again stars, this time in multiple roles and is, as ever, excellent. But the real stars here are Judith Vittet who plays street urchin Miette, and Ron Perlman, perhaps best known for his roles as Hellboy, who plays a strongman whose little brother has been kidnapped.

It's another mix of the macabre and the grotesque but it's hard not to be charmed by the inventiveness of the filmmakers. At one point, Miette finds a locked door in her way. She pushes the key through the lock, grates some cheese on the floor and then blows it underneath the door. She then opens a nearby grate and lets a mouse through to which she has attached a magnet. The mouse finds the cheese and the magnet picks up the key. Just when you're wondering how Miette is going to get the mouse back, she lets a cat in to the room and the mouse returns. Okay, so a sheet of paper under the door first would have done the job just as well (and far quicker) but how much fun was the game of cat and mouse?!

I rewatched these this weekend having bought this rather splendid boxset some time ago. It's well worth investigating. And if you're thinking that the name Jean-Pierre Jeunet is familiar it could be that you've seen Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, better known simply as Amélie.

Recommended viewing

2010-01-09T15:42:00.003Z

So, I've been doing a spot of viewing lately, mainly from the comfort of my home but I also ventured out into the frozen wilderness to catch The Road. I'll let you read my full review at Screenjabber (we need all the hits we can get!) but needless to say it's properly awesome.

I've also been catching up with films I missed including Inglorious Basterds, the latest Quentin Tarantino film. Critics seemed not to like it in general but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a bit too long, Brad Pitt's accent is inpenetrable at times but the plot made sense, Christoph Waltz is fantastic and the opening scene is a terrific bit of film-making. It's a bit bloody and violent so not for the faint-hearted but that's QT for ya.

Waltz With Bashir won a few awards back in 2008 and no wonder. It's a fascinating tale of the Lebanon war in the 1980s and one man's attempt to remember exactly what happened. This is a documentary but unusually it is animated which somehow gives it a fictional feel but is no less affecting for it. Worth seeking out.

I also saw a film called Fired Up about cheerleading starring no-one I'd ever heard of. I'll be honest, I was expecting the worst but it's actually pretty funny. It's not at all original but for a high school movie it works perfectly well, with some decent acting and genuinely amusing one-liners.

First date ever

2010-01-03T19:53:00.003Z

Saturday 3 January 1987
ENGLAND BEAT W. INDIES! Only had lunch today and even that was too much. Celtic beat Hibernian 8-3. Bottom place Leicester beat Sheff Wed 6-1. Everton are within 1 point of Arsenal who play tomorrow. Went to a disco with Kirsty who wasn't very thirsty!

I think it says a lot about the 13-year-old me or perhaps teenage boys in general that having been on my first date ever, that momentous occasion got a single line (complete with rhyming 'joke') while random results from the world of sport were afforded far more space.

Kirsty was a girl from the school next door to the one I went to. She travelled there on the same bus as my friend Joe which I'm assuming is how we were introduced. I seem to recall that Joe also fancied Kirsty, which made me accepting her invitation to attend a disco somewhat controversial. Even at the time I wondered if I was being unfair to Joe but given that this was my first date ever and she was very pretty, in the end I decided to go.

Knowing I'd never been on a date before, my parents gave me the following invaluable advice.

1. Tell her she looks nice.
2. Offer to buy her a drink.

This seemed simple enough so although nervous, I went along with a positive if slightly underprepared mindset. I recall being dropped off at the venue (a village hall? no idea), meeting her and telling her she looked nice. (I don't recall her saying the same to me. Maybe girls aren't supposed to. Or maybe I was wearing my reversible mint green 'baggies', in which case fair enough.) My delight at remembering to compliment her was instantly replaced with a cold fear - what on earth did I say for the rest of the evening?! After not very long, I offered to buy her a lemonade. She declined. Now I was really stuck. I remember looking at her and thinking how pretty she was and still having no clue what to say.

I'm not sure whether there was any conversation that evening or whether I just danced badly near her but there was certainly no second date. I have a feeling Joe ended up going out with her. On the plus side, Arsenal beat Spurs 2-1 and I got a new high score of 66,200 on Green Beret the very next day.

On this day in 1987

2010-01-01T22:53:00.004Z

In recently found a diary I'd kept for the first three months of the year when I was 13-14 and having read it thought it might be amusing to share some of it. It won't be every single day because, well, I've read it and believe me, it's not all sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Or rather, it's not at all sex, drugs and rock n' roll. You'll see, anyway. Oh, and I've left in all the original spelling and punctuation errors.

Thursday 1 January 1987
Having gone to bed at 3:00am, we woke up at about 11:00. Saw Star Wars for the millionth time and bits of Mary Poppins. Mum did a Bar-B-Q on the new grill in the rain and it was quite okay. Recorded the Love Bug and later watched Jaws 3 which was very fake! Took the Dade's home but forgot Nats medicine. Arsenal won 3-1 V Wimbledon (Nicholas 2 Hayes pen).

Glad to see even aged 13 I wasn't impressed by Jaws 3 in 3D. I also like the idea that the food was "quite okay". It's not very good English but somehow manages to make the ambivalence of "okay" even more pronounced. Or perhaps that I was surprised at just how "okay" it was.

The best and worst films of 2009

2009-12-18T22:04:00.002Z

If there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's that expectations and mood play a huge part in how you watch and react to a film. Context is often hugely important and I'm sure in different circumstances, the following list would be radically different. But I've only got the circumstances I had so here, in order, are the films that I enjoyed and admired the most in 2009.

1. Let The Right One In
A vampire movie, a love story, a quite extraordinary piece of filmmaking. I kept hearing how great this was so when I finally caught up with it was astonished that it actually surpassed my expectations. Haunting, atmospheric, moving and with quite the most remarkable final scene I think I've ever seen, Let The Right One In is bloody but beautiful.

2. Red Cliff
This one may have passed a few of you by and at two and a half hours in Mandarin with subtitles that's perhaps no great surprise. But this really is worth seeking out, even if it's now only going to be on DVD. Which is a shame because this is a true epic from John Woo, a historical war masterpiece with stunning battle sequences, sweeping vistas and the philosophy of tea-making. Sensational stuff.

3. Up
Almost everyone I've spoken to about Up has mentioned how sad a story this is. And it's true, there are a few weepy bits. But it's also hugely uplifting (pun intended) and the funniest Pixar film ever. I spent most of the film laughing out loud and of course it looks wonderful. Squirrel!

4. Gran Torino
Apparently this is Clint Eastwood's last outing as an actor and if it is, what a way to go. He fair growls his way through Gran Torino and is as much Unforgiven as it is Dirty Harry. Funny, moving and as with Up, great to see the wrinklies getting centre stage.

5. The First Day of The Rest Of Your Life
Winner of numerous awards, this French film focuses on a single significant day in the life of each of five family members. Set over several years, this is a novel way to tell the story of a family and one which is done intelligently, realistically and at times, hilariously.

6. Katalin Varga
Another subtitled film, this time in Hungarian so another one most people probably won't see. But again, it's worth the effort because this is a revenge flick unlike any I've ever seen. With the beautiful European countryside as a backdrop and some amazing sound and music effects, this is an emotional journey but one which lingers long in the memory.

7. The Hangover
Genuinely funny comedies are all too rare these days, especially from the US. So this really pleased me. A Lot. Juvenile, contrived, not even hugely original but so, so funny with great characters and performances to match. The song by Stu is an absolute gem as well.

8. Avatar
It's not perfect by any means but it does look astounding, especially in 3D at the Imax and is like nothing else I've seen this year. A proper cinematic experience.

9. Slumdog Millionaire
Oscar-winning films can be a bit, well, worthy sometimes and although I'm often glad I've seen them, don't always enjoy them. This was different though and I came out of the cinema feeling thoroughly entertained as well as having admired Danny Boyle's direction.

10. Hush
A low-budget British thriller/horror, this had me on the edge of my seat throughout, sweaty-palmed and heart pumping. There's nothing terribly clever about the story (a man's girlfriend is kidnapped and he tries to rescue her) but the overall execution, and especially the sound and editing means it's a breathless rush through the night.

Bubbling under and those that nearly made the cut or simply ones I really enjoyed were The Wrestler, In The Loop, 12 Rounds, Bolt, Star Trek, Moon and (500) Days of Summer.

Despite my best efforts, there were a number of films I didn't get round to seeing but which are on my list. These include The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, District 9, An Education, The Cove, Drag Me To Hell and Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. You see? In different circumstances...

Now for this year's turkeys, and not the sort you'd fancy tucking into on Christmas afternoon. These are stinkers, really rotten birdies.

1. Year One
This tops the list because the people involved (Harold Ramis, Jack Black) should know better. Crushingly unfunny, virtually plotless and entirely pointless, this made me want my money back. And I saw it for free.

2. The Spell
I desperately wanted to like this low-budget British film but frankly it is just rubbish. The acting is bad, the script is appalling and the story just doesn't work on any level. It can't seem to decide whether it's social realism investigating mental illness or a spooky witchcraft thriller. It works as neither. I be would amazed if this ever gets shown on television and yet weirdly I'd like someone to see it because it is unintentionally hilarious in ways that have to be seen to be disbelieved.

3. I Can't Think Straight
Another British film, this lesbian (I can't think straight, geddit?) romantic comedy is a lot more lesbian than it is romantic or comedy. As is often the case with bad films, the script is largely to blame, although the characters aren't much better and despite some attempts to politicise it, this really hasn't got much going for it at all.

4. Fighting
Mark Kermode, whose opinions I usually respect even if I don't agree with them, thought this was pretty good. Quite what he saw in it is beyond me. Dull to the point of torpor, predictable in the extreme and with a lead performance from Woodsville, Treetown, the best thing about this is the soundtrack.

5. Duplicity
I gave this a two-star rating so it wasn't officially one of the worst five films I've seen this year. But Like Year One, I feel that those involved should have known better. Very few writer/directors are good enough to do both disciplines well and Tony Gilroy isn't one of them. The chemistry between supposed lovers Clive Owen and Julia Roberts (why do I find her so annoying?!) is non-existent, the dialogue is horribly clever-clever and the whole thing comes across as one massive, overblown, overlong bag of smug.

Avatar - film review

2009-12-15T13:07:00.007Z

Last night I was lucky enough to see the long-awaited, much-hyped James Cameron film, Avatar in 3D at the IMAX. With surround sound. In zero gravity. In a flotation tank. On LSD. Okay, so I may have made some of those up. Anyway, here's my review.

Avatar **** (out of 5)

When a film has been more than a decade in the making and costs close to $250m to produce, living up to the hype is always going to be a tough job. James Cameron’s 3D, special effects-laden Avatar manages to do so in most regards but falls down flat in others.

The premise is relatively straightforward. It's the year 2154 and with the earth dying, humans are trawling the universe for alternative fuel. The answer is found on a remote planet called Pandora, inhabited by blue humanoids, the Na'vi , an intelligent albeit primitive people living in perfect harmony with nature. However, the main mineral deposit is located directly below where the Na'vi live. As the atmosphere on Pandora is not breathable for humans, scientists have bred hybrid creatures, avatars, which humans can 'drive' and Jake Sully (Worthington), a paraplegic former Marine, has been tasked with infiltrating the indigenous population to get to the mineral and save the world. But there he meets young female Neytiri (Saldana) and, well, you can probably guess the rest.

As you can see, the story isn't so much an allegory for the white man's rape of native America as a straight lift. In and of itself, this isn't a problem – simple plotlines often make for the best films. What is a problem is the sledgehammer nature of the message. SAVE THE PLANET! DON'T KILL THE NATIVES, THEY MIGHT KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T! GREED IS BAD! If there's one thing Cameron can't do its subtlety. And if there's another (and there is, more than one in fact) it's screenwriting. The sooner he gives up and hires someone else to do some dialogue for him the better. "You are not in Kansas anymore!" "Time to bring the pain! "I wanna be home in time for dinner!" Some of it is physically painful to witness. Oh, and the mineral is called unobtanium. I mean, for crying out loud.

For a film boasting its 3D/RealD credentials so forcefully, it is hugely ironic that the characterisation is so dreadfully one dimensional. Stephen Lang's warmongering Colonel is a cartoon of a man, all muscles and testosterone and barking. None of the Na'vi have much of a personality, only Sigourney Weaver's scientist has any real humanity and she is reduced to a bit part. So if it's depth of character you’re after, look elsewhere. By now you might be wondering why I've given this four stars out of five.

Well, most of them are for how the film looks. Aside from when it's pure live action, at which point there is some blurring when people move (they really need to fix that), the 3D is pretty impressive, with depth of field captured expertly but with relatively few things-flying-at-you-out-of-the-screen moments. The most amazing element of Avatar though is the world of Pandora itself. It is a quite stunningly realised place, a kaleidoscope of spectacular colours, textures, sounds and creatures. At times it feels like you're either in or watching a video game and while this may not sound great, it's impossible not to be impressed by the detail and the splendour of the world Cameron and his visual arts team has created. As a result of this beauty, it's easy to be carried along by the wonder of it all and forget the many flaws. It really does take you to another place and in that regard is the most immersive experience I've ever encountered.

However, I'm not convinced that it will stand up to repeat viewings. It's so derivative that there is almost nothing original in Avatar at all (special effects aside) and the list of influences is probably much longer than this: Dances With Wolves, Pocahontas, Ferngully, the Terminator films, the Alien films, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Abyss and even Titanic. The music is distressingly similar and there are several sequences reminiscent of the 1997 Cameron film. But, that was a huge success and this will be too, even in spite of the amount it cost to make.

Avatar is always great to look at and although it's about half an hour too long it is never boring, which is quite an accomplishment given its numerous failings. So while it's no classic as a film, as pure entertainment it delivers in spades. I just wish he'd let someone who can write get involved, then we’d have something genuinely brilliant.